Tag: odd

Concrete Cyclops Skull

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Concrete Cyclops Skull
Okay Cyclops Skull, keep an eye on the garden for me. Get it? If you do just say aye! I kid, I kid. I just like talking to my garden decorations. Say, I need to plug in the weed whacker. Do you have a spare socket? Zing! Burn! I got you so good. We are having so much pun. Wanna hear some music? I’ll get my eye-pad. Where is it? Hmmm. Keep an eye out for me will ya? Man, I crack myself up. *Drops skull in garden* Laterz. Eye have to go eat!

Next day…

*Walks out to the garden whistling. Trips over cyclops skull and gets impaled by a rake. Dying…* Eye…Eye…Eye sorry. Ha ha ha erg gasp choke gurgle dead.

Skull Full Of Souls Box

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Skull Full Of Souls Box
This Skull Full Of Souls Box is a great place to keep all of your trinkets, candy,dice, whatever. Tormented souls are all over thing thing. Kinda like this blog. *Rim shot* Nah. I love ya all even if you do have problems. And I’m saying that wearing a sequinned dress made out of meat as I kick back glass after glass of whiskey.

Don’t judge. Not my fault I Quantum Leap all over the place. Once I set stuff right, I’m outta here. Today was “Try a sequinned dress made out of meat” day. Still haven’t leaped. Running out of ideas. F Lady Gaga anyway. *Falls and breaks neck.*

*Blue light everywhere. Leaping! I’m leaping!*

Oh THATS what needed to be set right!
Read more “Skull Full Of Souls Box”

See How You Measure Up With Measuring Tape Toilet Paper

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

See How You Measure Up With Measuring Tape Toilet Paper
Measuring Tape Toilet Paper is a great way to gauge how well your pooper is workin’. Are you wiping a two inch streak or a ten inch streak. Find out with this handy dandy toilet paper. It’s great for boredom while pooping too. You can measure body parts, the nearby window, your schmeckel, whatever. Then when you are all pooped out, wipe yourself and measure your skid mark if you want. I ain’t gonna stop ya.

It’s easy to get a long skid mark if your colon can’t put on the brakes and pinch that loaf clean. Yay! I win! Anyway you’re supposed to measure twice and poop once. Thrice on taco night.

Freddy Krueger Starter Glove: Slash By Numbers

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Freddy Krueger Starter Glove Slash By Numbers
Let’s say you are demented and want to teach your kid about Freddy Krueger. Where do you start? I guess you could buy some hard to find horror inspired kids toys, or you could buy them a training glove. Like this Freddy Krueger Starter Glove. That’s just what I’m calling it. The knives on the fingers have been replaced by numbers. This way you can train the little one in a safe way.

I dunno. I’m just guessing that’s what it’s for. The seller thinks it’s for counting sheep, but no way that works. How am I gonna count sheep this way when my hands are always busy under the blankets? Maybe it’s a glove for those math-gangs I heard were terrorizing our neighborhoods, flashing gang signs and math problems at each other. I ain’t messin’ with none a that! Last time I got in between the Pythagoras Possee and the Wu-Trig Clan they beat the Pi outta me.
Read more “Freddy Krueger Starter Glove: Slash By Numbers”

Zombie Apocalypse Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Zombie Apocalypse Necklace
When in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, you gotta look cool. Wear something freaky and intimidating so zombies know you mean business. Like a necklace full of babies. That’s what the Zombie Apocalypse Necklace is. You’re also gonna need a baby on board sign. Cuz you know, you got babies on board.

Hey babies. Get on my neck! That’s right zombies, if I have a neck full of babies, I won’t have a problem chopping your head off. Yeah, that’s what I thought! Keep shuffling, you brain craving freak.

Can be worn as a necklace or as a creepy baby beard.