Tag: odd

Game Over Man: Wedding Ring Casket

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Game Over Man Wedding Ring Casket
The Wedding Ring Casket is a tiny casket that symbolizes the death of your marriage. Just put your ring inside and and bury your wedding ring after you get divorced. If you ever want to get married again you’re basically a grave robber, cuz I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying a brand new wedding ring for a jillion dollars when I have a perfectly good one buried in the backyard between a parakeet and two turtles.

I’m not married, but I bought the ring like 20 years ago for when I meet the right girl. I think I’m just gonna bury it now and save myself some trouble. Hey, if I bury this thing and a worm crawls in the ring, are we married? I think that might be legally binding. Also, it would mean I have worms. That doctor was so right and all I did was yell and demand my lollipop while rubbing my butt against the floor. I knew if I waited long enough SOMETHING would worm it’s way into my heart.

Twinkle Tush: Jewelry For You Cat’s Butt

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twinkle tush
Twinkle Tush. It’s no longer just a crude name shouted at me by construction workers, accompanied by whistles and catcalls. It’s my own fault for sewing bicycle reflectors into the butts of cut-off jeans. Hey, I like to walk at night. Safety first, fashion last. Anyway, Twinkle Tush is also shiny cat jewelry. I’m talkin’ ice. Bling bling. For your cat’s puckered butt-ring.

True to it’s name, it makes your cat’s butt twinkle like a Solid Gold Dancer. Did I date myself with that sentence? In that case, Imma go cuddle myself and have a smoke now. Maybe stroke my hair and whisper, then fall asleep. Was it good for me? It was the best baby.
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Porcelain Figurines With Insect Heads

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Porcelain Figurines With Insect Heads
Etsy seller CuriousCryptidCurios makes all kinds of cool and freaky and trippy Porcelain Figurines With Insect Heads. Or as I like to call Miss Mantis’ work…Chantilly lace and a Mantis Face. These don’t look like my grandma’s figurines. Well, there was that one day. Visiting grandma’s house on LSD is NOT recommended. I spent half the walk there trying to get rid of a big bad wolf who had the swirling cosmos behind it’s hooded cowl.

Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother’s house we go…Insane! Once I got there the Praying Mantis figures greeted me, we had dinner, talked with the elf elders from behind the cupboard and finally worshiped at the altar of my grandmother’s dentures on the sink. Good times. David Lynch was there, as were various melty things like reality itself. You gotta do what ya gotta do to deal with grandma’s stories.
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Real Granny Panties: Golden Girls Underwear

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For Real Granny Panties Golden Girls Underwear
This 4 pack of Golden Girls underwear from Etsy shop BulletandBees will keep your crotch covered in old ladies for 4 out of the 5 business days of the week. I guess we need a fifth granny to round out the week. I vote for my granny. She’s always up in people’s business. Plus, she’s crotchety. Which means she’s grumpy, not that she likes to knit. Also, my granddaddy always used to say, “Get off my crotch woman!”

So yeah, I vote grandma. I hope she wins the panty election of 2015 and I get full credit as her campaign manager. She’s for the people and won’t leave ya crotch-less. Hope and change is her slogan. Not that that worked out so well last time. She HOPES that you will CHANGE your undies on a regular basis. What if you got into a car accident, for God’s sake?

Thanks Jeremy. I know you got yourself a 4 pack.

Life Size Zombie Head Purse

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Life Size Zombie Head Handbag
This Life Size Zombie Head Purse is pre-shot for your enjoyment. It’s the perfect place to hold all of your post-apocalyptic necessities. Like guns, knives and first-aid kits. Plus, whenever you get accosted by a zombie you can just hold this head up and let ’em know you mean business. You wanna be next? Huh? How ’bout I install a zipper in that rotting melon you call a head and pack my makeup inside! You like that?

Speaking of makeup, that purse could use some eye cream. Check out all those bags under his eyes. I haven’t seen so many old and wrinkly bags since the 1986 Golden Girls convention, but when you’re a super fan like me ya just gotta deal. Look at the bloodshot eyes on this thing too. And the hole in the head. Maybe keep your lipstick in that hole for easy access.