Tag: seasonal

Freddy Krueger Burnt Skin Christmas Tree Ornament

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Freddy Krueger Burnt Skin Christmas Tree Ornament
Deck the halls with Freddy Krueger’s burnt flesh. You can almost smell the evil bubbling. This Freddy Krueger Burnt Skin Christmas Tree Ornament is pretty awesome. If you could get a whole bunch, it’ll make it look like Freddy exploded and there’s bits of him stuck in your tree. Eww! Yet cool. But I’m freaky like that. Here are some matching fleshy Nikes.

Jingle Bells
Burnt flesh smells
Freddy laid an egg.

My little song gets worse, but that’s all I’m sharing cuz I would like to sleep tonight. I don’t want to tick him off.

Santa The Hutt Shows Up At A San Francisco Fashion Store

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

Santa The Hutt Shows Up At A San Francisco Fashion Store
I’m only posting this because I’ve gotten like 10 emails asking if I quit the blog to be a full time Jolly Fat Guy. The answer is no. It’s not me. This guy here is morbidly obese, I just strive for being mediocre obese. At best. So everybody just calm down. Enough Santa mail people. I don’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice. I ain’t coming to town! I’ll go to town on a bag of Doritos though…

Santa The Hutt here is located at the flagship store of Betabrand, a crowdfunding platform for designer clothes. Does he make you want to buy clothes? It looks like he can’t even fit in his own. Do you have any idea how long it is going to take a man of this girth to deliver gifts on Christmas Eve? Let’s just say he’s stopping the sleigh at every border for a puke and some gasping wheezing.

If I can make one suggestion to this overflowing Santa, it would be to shave that runway under his belly button. That’s just wrong.
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Zombie Brain Christmas Ornaments With Spinal Cords

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Zombie Brain Christmas Ornaments With Spinal Cords
Brains! Brains! Brains! Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I need some head-flesh. Some Zombie Brain Christmas Ornaments for my Christmas tree. If you know a zombie who celebrates Xmas, these ornaments are for them. They can just pick them off the tree and eat them like candy. Which isn’t recommended for mere humans.

They won’t make your tree any smarter. If anything, decorating your tree with these during the winter months will lead to brain freeze. See what I did there?
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Krampus Christmas Wreaths: Ho Ho…No!

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Krampus Christmas Wreaths
These Krampus Christmas Wreaths are pretty cool. Ho Ho No! They are from Etsy seller FantasyClayFlowers. Krampus punishes naughty children during Christmas. Not to be confused by my grandfather aka Grampus, who likes to take his teeth out and torture kids on Christmas. Fun fact: I always thought Krampus was spelled Crampus and only came out once a month so that women could torment men as revenge for cramps. The wife’s been nice for awhile, so basically, myth busted.

Hmmm. If you get a tramp stamp of Krampus, you have a Trampus. Something to think about. I’ll give you one, you give me one, cool? Hey! You gave me Grampus! WTF! Not cool!

On second thought, they do kinda look the same. Except Krampus has teeth.
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Ugly Christmas Sweater Onesie: The Abominable Snowman

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Ugly Christmas Sweater Onsie
Awesome. I can finally get that Abominable Snowman Christmas Sweater Onesie I’ve always wanted. I mean aside from my birthday suit, which is a mass of furry grey hair. People were always mistaking me for the abominable snowman at that nudist colony I got kicked out of. It didn’t help that I would jump out of the bushes, growl, and steal food. Then the internet arrived and I no longer had to join clubs like that to see nudity. I love you internet. *Hugs my computer and gives it a little kiss.*

Yeah, this thing is white and furry and full of ornaments. Just like my grandma’s head after the Christmas tree fell on her in 2006. Good times. Hey, is that a heart on the crotch that says “Kiss me”? That’s classy as f**k! I see a cookie cutter on the left shoulder too. No, I mean their left. Your right! And when you’re right you’re right. I need to buy this.