Tag: shoes

H.R. Giger Alien Heels: In Space No One Can Hear Your Calves Scream

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alien shoesThese Alien inspired heels are super scary. I keep waiting for a second mouth to come out of the toe area and drool everywhere. Would I date a woman wearing these shoes? Hell to the no! No way am I letting her spend the night so that her shoes can go on a killing spree in my spaceship. And no way am I going to her place to find out what other shoes she has in her closet of horrors.

These shoes are so scary you need a Giger counter to measure the fear. Ha. See what I did there. I am so awesome. High five. How about a hug instead? Ahhh. Tricked you, I’m a face hugger!
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Custom Star Wars Ewok Heels: Jub-Jub

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ewok shoesStomp all over the Empire with these Ewok shoes. They are so comfortable that they are easy to Endor. See that? I’m an awesome blogger. Just Wicket at what I do. These shoes are awesome. Just put these babies on and start poking stuff with a stick as you make jub jub noises.

If you buy these, please take a video of you stomping a bunch of Stormtroopers and an AT-ST. Or at least kick some dude dressed in Stormtrooper armor. Ewok shoes are made for fighting and that’s what I want to see.

Decapitated Barbie Head Wedge Shoes

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barbie shoesTeach that bubble-headed blonde bimbo, Barbie, a thing or two, by letting the air in her head heads hold you upright. Be like Ken and walk all over Barbie. These weird shoes are a staggering $264.99, but sadly are out of stock.

We will just have to work out our aggression toward Barbie by ripping some heads off on our own and stomping all over them.

Mrs. Skeletor, I Presume: “Purgatory” Skull Heelless Wedges

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Skull Heelless WedgesThese $150. “Purgatory” Skull Heelless Wedges are named all wrong. They are clearly from Hell and forged from the souls of one hundred tormented shoe designers. You will be hell on heels, that’s for sure. Oh wait. No heels here.

Is this what’s hot this summer? Women are already taller than me when they wear platform shoes. Now, they are gonna be taller than me and look like a friggin’ demon.

Oh hello, I hate blind dates, what are you looking for in a man?*looks up at the goth Amazon princess. And up. And up. Neck hurts. Ow!*

*Eyes rolling back in her head. Voice like Barry White talking through James Earl Jones.* A virgin that can be kicked about the scrotum with skull wedges and then sacrificed to appease my ancient lord.

Well, that sounds like me. And since no one is raising their hands to make love to me real quick-like(I asked), I’m out!

Get the check b*tch. I’ll leave a tip: A virgin will easily outrun you in Skull wedges! Ha ha! I live to be celibate another day! Not much of a victory, but whatevs!
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Velociraptor Dinosaur Heels

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velociraptor heelsThese Velociraptor heels are so hot they require an exploding volcano tat. Velociraptors are the Road Runners of the Dinosaur world, so they should improve your speed. Velociraptors existed during the Cretaceous period, about 75 million years ago, but they are in fashion this season.

They will cost you $150 from Etsy seller Thescienceboutique, who makes all kinds of custom footwear.
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