Tag: wall

Critter Trophy Head Replica

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Critter Trophy Head
This Critter Trophy Head Replica is going to look good in your home. There’s nothing like a critter above your sh*ter. As long as they aren’t coming from the toilet we’re all good. These guys are seriously messed up. The only species in the galaxy that failed to evolve toward basic dental care. C’mon… I’m not gonna make a joke about the British. You guys…

I’ll put this critter on the wall and act all tough like I shot it myself, when really I hid in some bushes while my Safari guide took it down. That’s one thing you have to know about me, I’ll only talk tough and brave when I already have your head on the wall.

Kraken Tentacle Wall Decals

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Kraken tentacles wall decal
Hey, what’s Kraken? These Kraken Tentacle Wall Decals, that’s what? It wants to give you a big hug, then pull you down to drown in the murky depths. Kind of like my Aunt Louise always did, except she’ll pinch your cheeks first, then pull you in for a hug so you can suffocate in her massive bosoms. That might not have been so bad, but Aunt Louise used to be Aunt Louie. I had an awkward childhood.

At family get-togethers my dad would hold him/her back at the door, then yell, “Unleash the Kraken!” and all the kids would run. I was always too slow.
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Bitten Baloney Sandwich on White Bread

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Bitten Baloney Sandwich on White Bread
I guess the whole Bitten Baloney Sandwich on White Bread thing has become a decorating trend. Glad I could start a fad. You leave your sandwiches unattended often enough and people start to imitate you. I prefer PB and J myself.

This wall decal is bound to improve the value of your mobile home. I’m just assuming that if this is your sandwich of choice, you are not really dodging a tornado right now, while pink lawn flamingos and Budweiser cans whirl around you.

Silver Dinosaur Head

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Silver Dinosaur Head
Man, rich people have all the fun and luxury stuff. By rich people, I mean people with $100 to spend. Like this insane silver dinosaur head. It will probably be on the wall in some house that has a baby. People will be all like, “Were you born with a silver spoon?”

And he’ll be all like, “No, but we had a silver dinosaur head! So yes I am better than you. Now, where were we? Oh yes. I said PASS THE GREY POUPON you peasant! Chop chop!”

Sign Language Wall Clock

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sign language clock
This Sign Language Wall Clock is perfect for those of us who can’t hear and can’t read numbers at the same time. Like my senile grandpa who continues to “garden” in the sink. Poor guy. He thinks his poopy diaper is actually fertilizer he bought from the garden store and that anything from my fridge is a flower. In his defense that diaper weighs about the same by the time he drops his cargo and tears it off. Damn it gramps! Stop dipping Hot Pockets and pudding pops in poo! I’ll take that bag of corn too. Looks like that’s the one crop you grow just fine!

Even he could understand this clock. I think it should show the middle finger at 6 though, because that’s when I go to work. This guy’s costing me a fortune in food and sanitizer.