Author: Artemis Winterford

Victorian Vampire Evening Gloves

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Victorian Vampire Evening Gloves
Oh sexy. Nice gloves. Have you come to suck my blood and chew bubble gum and you’re all out of bubble gum? These Victorian Vampire Evening Gloves are super sexy. I said that already. Sorry. I get nervous and bashful around pale Victorian ladies. It’s also the first time I’ve had a crush on a pair of arms, so I’ll just practice my breathing and calm down. There, now I’m better.

Don’t be fooled by the name. These evening gloves can be worn in the day too. Well, assuming you can be exposed to sunlight anyway. The best thing about them? They fit like a glove. Probably made by Danny Glover. If you get into a fight, the gloves are off. They’re so nice you gotta handle them with kid gloves. Enough! I’m just nervous, that’s all. I joke when I’m nervous. I think I’m in glove.
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Cthulhu Sasquatch Shadow Box Sculpture

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Cthulhu Sasquatch Shadow Box
This Cthulhu Sasquatch Shadow Box Sculpture looks like a photo captured of the beast in the wild. Is it more Cthulhu or more Sasquatch. I have no idea. Is it live or is it Memorex? Frankly, I can’t believe it’s not butter.

This thing looks like Chewbacca and Emperor Palpatine’s love child. I think his squatting in that grass is about more than just posing for the camera. I think he might be taking a huge steaming squatch. But I’m not Cthulhu/Bigfoot expert. I just think I see some of that foliage dying.

Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles

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Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles
This Cthulhu Ski Mask is awesome. Yet terrifying. It’s the best way ever to keep all of your tentacles warm in the winter. You probably shouldn’t wear this when you rob a store, but I know you will. You scamps.

Can you describe the man that robbed you?

Well, he was about this tall, had some horns, had a bunch of tentacles and looked like an ancient evil that has just awakened. That should narrow it down.

Laugh if you want, but Cthulhu will tell ya, your tentacles get pretty cold in the winter months. They have been known to snap off like icicles in extreme temperatures.

Awesome Scorpio Scorpion Necklace

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Awesome Scorpio Scorpion Necklace
All of the women in my life are Scorpios. How do I know? Because they always sting my heart and pinch it with their claw hands. Well, it was understandable in that one case. She had a deformity. All Scorpios should wear this Awesome Scorpio Scorpion Necklace so I can see them coming. That is one bad ass train of scorpions, all lead by the Scorpion queen herself, following the trail of tears that is the path to my heart. Great, now I’m depressed. I guess I have to pay more attention to the zodiac signs. See who I’m compatible with. Not that that ever works out.

Hey baby, what sign are you?

I’m a Sagittarius. What’s your sign? Baby on Board? *Points to my fat belly*

*Sigh.* Heh. Good one. I thought you were a cancer. You know, because of that mole. You should get that checked out. *Walks away*

Guess that showed her.

Life Size Universal Monster Horror Statues

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Life Size Universal Horror Monster Statues
Check out these Life Size Universal Monster Horror Statues from Workshop77. I guess their first 76 workshops got trashed by monsters. My only complaint is that there is no Creature From The Black Lagoon. Actually, my second complaint is that I can see the Invisible Man. He’s right there. Well, he was there a second ago. I swear. Anyway, all of your favorites are here, life sized and scary as the day you first saw them. Put ’em around your house and do the mash. The Monster Mash. It’s a graveyard smash!

Why ya gotta do vandalism? Somebody’s body is resting there.

Shut up hippy.

It’ll catch on in a flash.

What will?

The Monster Mash. I invited the ghost of Johnny Cash. He did the Monster Mash. Wa-oooooo
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