Author: Artemis Winterford

6 Foot Tall Nosferatu Vampire Figure

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nosferatu figure
Nosferatu, why don’t you come to your senses? You been out ridin’ fences for so long now… This 6 Foot Tall Nosferatu Vampire Figure scares the hell out of me. He looks like some squirrels nibbled on his ears. Apparently those glass eyes light up when you plug a 9-volt battery in, insuring nightmares for all. Only $700.

Also, check out those bags under his eyes. Dude needs more sleep. This is exactly what you will look like with this crazy freaky thing in your home. Say goodbye to sleep forever. Stop looking at me! I feel like he’s gonna make ferret-sucking type noises with those teeth.
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Checkers Board Game Dress

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checkers dress costume
This Checkers Dress is pretty awesome. I’m a wiz at checkers. Jump, jump, jump, jump, king me baby! How about we play Connect Four instead? Do you have that dress? No? The problem with a Connect Four dress is that all of the pieces usually fall out of the bottom while you’re out doing your stuff.

The problem with this dress? I see no problems. If I win you take the dress off. If you win, I take my dress off. Cool?

Pro tip: If you have this dress, don’t get rid of it, otherwise you’ll have a checkered past.

I won! Where? There, diagonally! Very sneaky sis!

Dragon Lawn Flamingos

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dragon flamingo
Lawn flamingos are soooo 1950s trailer park. These days it’s all about dragons. Because dragons are awesome and breath fire and fly through the sky like they own that shizz. Cuz they do. I’ve seen the deed. You don’t mess with dragons. That’s why you should decorate your yard with these Dragon Lawn Flamingos from Etsy seller CedarMoon.

I just ordered like 5. I’m using them as bait. I’m hoping it will attract that chick from Game of Thrones. She’ll see them in my yard and be all like, “OMG dragons. Can I be your Queen?” I’ll be all like, “Yeah, but I only have one throne and that ain’t no game on Taco night. Cool?”
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Jabba The Hutt Necklace

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star wars jabba the hut necklace
This Jabba the Hutt Necklace is for all of you ladies who don’t have a fat slug weighing them down in real-life. You know, some slob playing the PS4 all day or playing with action figures while you go out and earn a living. Obviously my wife doesn’t need this. She has her own.

*Pops a toad in my mouth and yanks her closer on her chain for a kiss. Gets strangled.* I guess playing with my Rancor is out of the question?

Mirrorman Suits

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mirrorman suit
Behold the mighty Mirrorman! His super power? Reflecting every got-damnned thing with his suit. He is the ultimate “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you throw bounces off me and sticks to you!” superhero. Light. Check. Images. Check. Hammer. Oh man, sorry about that dude. How many tiny mirrors you got on that suit? About 1000? What’s a 1000 times 7? Oh poopy! That is A LOT of bad luck!

That suit is like a black hole of bad luck just waiting to happen. Of course it was me. Why in the HELL would you walk around with that thing? That is irresponsible on like a cosmic level! You can’t just give out that kind of atomic bomb luck!

Oh hell! Just stepped on a nail. Whew! That was close. Shoe stopped it. Anyway- *Gets hit by a football, which bounces onto a nearby car going 80. Car swerves. Hits me into Mirrorman, who cuts me like a million times and gives even more bad luck. Plus, I gotta pay for that suit now!* WTF?

Check out another suit below. Screw this guy!
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