Author: Artemis Winterford

Dirty And Clean Socks: Know Which Is Which

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

dirty clean socks
Thank God for these Dirty And Clean Socks. It’s hard to know which socks are clean when you keep them all in 5 foot tall pile in the corner of the room. What can I say, my nesting instinct is strong and it’s been a cold winter. My mom came in and tried to wash them once and I hissed and shrieked until she went away, then dove in and watched from inside. That mound of smelly cotton is my precious.

I’ll still throw them in the corner until I fulfill my dream of an entire room full of cotton socks with my naked body in the center, but at least I will know what’s dirty and what’s clean. Until they are all inevitably dirty.

Cuddle Clones Turn Your Pet Into A Stuffed Animal

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

cuddle clones
Cuddle Clones is a service that makes a stuffed animal version of your pet from a picture. They look pretty realistic. It gives your dog a doppelganger. Or is that dogpelganger? This service also comes in handy if Fido kicks the bucket. That way you can remember him. If you want to be really weird, you can go right on taking Fido for walksies and poopsies. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

I wonder if they do humans. I not only need a buddy for the carpool lane, I also need something to put in my bed to fool my wife when I sneak out at night to gamble and drink. Nah. I never do anything that manly. It’s mostly just late night computer games and trolling online. If this doppelganger works, the My Little Pony forums won’t know what hit them.
Read more “Cuddle Clones Turn Your Pet Into A Stuffed Animal”

Willy Care Kit: Don’t Leave Home Without It

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Willy Care Kit
Man, I gotta start dating. Problem is when I signed up for match.com, my membership screen said “We have found a match for you: MY ASS YOUR FACE”. Nice. Thanks for nothing. I have feelings too you know. Except in my buttcheeks. They’re all tingly and numb from sitting here all day bringing you awesome and weird stuff. Go me.

This Willy Care Kit might help me to up my dating game. You gotta keep tidy and neat after all and us guys are dating for two. *Looks down* You and I both have to shape up. Then once we get a woman we can let ourselves go again. Deal?

This kit comes with a fluffing brush, styling sheers, a sprucing mirror and even some evening wear for the little guy in the form of a little necklace.

Yeti And Werewolf Faux Taxidermy

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Yeti and Werewolf Taxidermy
These Yeti and Werewolf heads are awesome. Why do I need a Yeti or a Werewolf head on my wall, looking like they tried to bust into my room like the Kool-Aid man, but got stuck when their fat heads came through? I just do. With a Yeti head on my wall I can have a Yeti sighting anytime I want. I’ll even go the extra mile and call it in to one of these Yeti sighting hotlines.

“Did you see a Yeti?”
Mocks her tone. Did you see a yeti? Yes. Yes I did.
“Where did you see it sir?”
In my livingroom. It’s looking at me right now.
“Are you in danger sir?”
Me? Pffft. I’m just chillin’ with a beer.
“Sir. You really should take this seriously. You are clogging up the lines for people who are really in danger.”
Whatevs. They don’t exist no how! Thanks for the drunk dialing adventure. Click.

Later that night… *Strange grinding noise is shaking the whole house. Sounds like some weird breathy electric saw too. Turns on the light to see an actual Yeti dry humping and having it’s way with my monster head.*
Oh, Hell no! Bad Yeti. Swats it with a rolled up newspaper. It runs away, darting out a window and leaving my now defiled monster head on the floor.

What the s**t! I guess they do exist!
Read more “Yeti And Werewolf Faux Taxidermy”

Pac-Man Party Bra And Tutu

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Pac-Man Party Bra
It’s always a party with the Pac-Man Party Bra And Tutu. A pizza bra will get the party started, but a bra featuring the yellow dot muncher himself? That keeps the party going all night long. Assuming that your nipples are power pellets anyway. If you feel that your nipples have what it takes to power this little yellow freak and let him chase ghosts around your boobs all night, order yours today.

Pac-Man fever makes you hot(Also drives you crazy). So if you are afflicted with this retro 80s ailment, this is the perfect outfit. It’s sure to diffuse the heat, while looking awesome. Don’t wear a Space Invaders bra or an Asteroid bra, unless you want guys hitting on you all night. By “hitting on”, I mean that I’ll be in the corner making pew pew pew noises, pointing my finger gun at your chest, trying to get the high score.
Read more “Pac-Man Party Bra And Tutu”