Author: Artemis Winterford

3D Printed Replica Of Your Unborn Fetus

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3D printed baby
Ahhh, isn’t that cute? No. Fetuses look weird and freakish. It might be cute if it was cosplaying as a Pokemon or something. Or if it appeared to me in a dream with a little mustache and goatee, telling me I have to save the world. But no. Not cute.

This place will sell you a 3D Printed Replica Of Your Unborn Fetus so you can show it to your kid 20 years from now and watch him or her wig out when he realizes he was basically a tadpole with limbs.

P.S. Just called my mom and asked her to buy one. She sent them a pic of my freakish sonogram. After that nothing. So I called them back today and their operation sucks over there. Bad timing on our part. Seems like they have a little suicide/madness problem in house. Plus I could hear crying and shrieking in the background, along with, “I can’t create that! Don’t make me look again! It doesn’t exist. It SHOULDN’T exist!” Click.

Wow. Wonder what their problem is! I haven’t encountered anything like that since the guy who actually did the sonogram had a look at the unborn fetus and went nuts. He immediately completed the Japanese ritual of seppuku in the hospital room and prayed for “humanity’s protection from such foul beasts”. Anywho, check out this weird fetus art.
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Brain Bowls: It’s All Brain Food Now

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brain bowls
Brains! Brains! The magical bowls.
Zombies eat ’em to get their lols.

Buy some today, be a good consumer,
Send yours back if it has a tumor.

Drop ’em and watch them shatter,
Lining your kitchen with Fruity Pebbles and grey matter.

These brain bowls are awesome, but they’re going to attract all of the neighborhood zombies for sure. No! Bad Zombie. You can have the Lucky Charms I poured you, but don’t eat the bowl. No. No! Don’t make me get the spray bottle.
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Racing Grannies: My Granny Beats Your Granny Any Day

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racing grannies
Is this how they race grannies nowadays. Puhlease! In my day all you had to do was have like 4 old people in a minivan, park, and say, “Hey, look, a Cracker Barrel!” Then just watch the magic happen. Of course the pit crew are the real heroes of any elder race. It takes a special group of men to tighten the screws on walkers, make sure they have only pennies in their coin purse and empty any colostomy bags, before helping them to down an entire can of Ensure and be on their way. Lastly, slap some dentures in that bad boy or girl from the top front and smack ’em on the bottom to get them going.

It’s much faster with these Racing Grannies toys. Plus you don’t have to listen to a bunch of stories you’ve heard a million times. And it doesn’t smell like last century either.

Freddy Krueger High Heels

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freddy krueger high heels
One, two, Freddy’s got a new shoe. Three, Four, his ankles are sore. Well, when you see Freddy in dreams you’re bound to see him wearing everything at some point. The last time I saw Freddy he was wearing a cow-print moo-moo over a bikini. Dreams are messed up! He knows what I like. I’ll say that.

These Freddy Krueger High Heels will let you walk all over Freddy. Literally. They have melted Freddy flesh in front, the stripes from his sweater and claws in the back. They are probably cushioned with the soles of his victims. Soles. Heh. I know what you’re thinking. What the heel kinda joke is that? Just a little something I cobbled together. Shoe humor. Don’t judge me. At least not until…

Get it? Who gets it? I am a friggin’ rock star. The guy outside 7-11 was right. These meds really work. Just found my new doctor!
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Fill ‘Em Full Of Lead With The Zombie Pencil/Pen Holder

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zombie pen holder
Man this feels so good! I killed my first zombie. Take that you undead puke! Just filled him full of lead! *You shot him?* Well, I stabbed him with my pencil. *You’re an idiot!*

Yeah, well you don’t have a zombie corpse on your desk. I’m a stone cold killer! I am the man! I am slightly afraid to remove the pencil though. Can you do it? He might bite my finger. *Why, is his name Charlie?* Haha, you’re funny! Thank you Mister voice in my head. Thank you for teaching me how to love and laugh again!