Author: Artemis Winterford

Your Stick Figure Family Was Delicious T-Rex Decal

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t rex stick figure family
See that? That’s what I think about your stick figure family. I stomped all over your precious little backseat-barnacles, then snapped their bones with my teeth, their sweet stick figure blood dripping down my T-Rex chin. I let mommy and daddy live just so they could spread the word to other stick figure families. Then I roared a mighty roar of victory! Well, not victory exactly. Was trying to find a sweet dino-mate who has some extra swing in her tail.

Put this Your Stick Figure Family Was Delicious T-Rex Decal on your ride and let all of those stick figure families know that they have been pwned.

Lovecraft Tormented 3D Wall Hanger

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Lovecraft Wall Hanging
This terrifying sculpture is titled “Lovecraft Tormented“. Really? I never would have guessed that by reading his books. They always seemed so light and happy to me. I guess I’ll have stop reading his books to the folks at the mental hospital that I volunteer at. Sure, they cry and ask me to stop. And occasionally see Cthulu break through the wall like the Kool-Aid man, but that’s just because they’re cray cray. Right? Nah. Can’t be the books.

Cthulhuuuuuuu! Cthulhu where are youuuuuuu? See what I did there? That was the Call of Cthulhu. It’s a one man play that I just wrote. I kinda just gave the whole thing away for free, but that’s okay. I know I can take this thing to Broadway.

Puking Dog Toothpaste Dispenser

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dog puke toothpaste
Dog puke. What can you do? At least they don’t sit there and retch all day like cats. They get it over with quick cause they have stuff to do. Thanks to this puking dog toothpaste cap, you can combine all the awesomeness of a puking dog with brushing your teeth. And your mouth won’t even smell like dog puke afterward.

He is an amazing dog that pukes sparkly and white magic all over your toothbrush. Ha! Harry Potter had a lame owl, but I got this. Suck it Harry Potter! My magic is better then yours. What? Sure I’ll have a jelly bean. Ew, that’s nasty! That was booger flavored. I hate you Harry! I hate you! *breaks down and cries like a baby* Have to go. It’s nappy time and I’m grumpy.

Cheeseburger Wristwarmer Set

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cheeseburger handwarmer
This cheeseburger wrist warmer set will keep you warm in cold weather, which beats buying like 4 Big Macs and stuffing them into your coat for warmth. One under each arm pit and two in this special bra I made. Go ahead and laugh, but I’m warm and toasty, even if I do smell like substandard meat all day. I also get a 6 pack of Chicken Mcnuggets, but I ain’t saying where I put those.

I would totally rock these, but I don’t see any pickles. You gotta have pickles.

Watch Your Back: Gold Googly Eye Bomber Jacket

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google eye jacket
Great Googly Moogly! Watch your back when wearing this Gold Googly Eye Bomber Jacket. I guess it already is being watched. It’s all business in front, making you look all gold and sexy. But in back, the eyes are following you. And creeping out everyone behind you. If you have any stalkers, this should be enough to get rid of them.

Don’t worry about strangers eyeing you up. Your jacket is already doing that. It’s like a field of Googly eyed stars all free-floating in space. All looking down at your badonkadonk.
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