Author: Artemis Winterford

Beer Box Cowboy Hats: DUI, Dressing Under the Influence

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beer hat
No ossifer, I am notch drunk! I jus likes nice hatz! Just cus my hatz made of a beer box doesn’t mean I imbible alcohol. I was jus on my weight to Nascar what wif wrestlin not being on and all. Bref-a-lizer. Watts a bref-a-lizer?

Whether you are on your way to NASCAR, a tractor pull, or just chillin’ in your single-wide watching the wrastlin’, these stetson hats made from beer boxes will make you the King. Of beer. They come in all kinds of beer brands. It let’s them know what you drink before you even get to the bar. It also lets law enforcement know who to hassle.

*Points radar gun at car zooming past. Puts car in gear* We got us a live one! He was only doing about 35, but he must be drunker than a skunk at a Tallahassee wedding cause he was wearing a damn beer box on his head. Call for backup. This one is gonna be trouble.
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Vintage Batman Water Gun

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

batman squirt gun
Holy inappropriateness Batman! This vintage Batman water gun is just plain wrong. It’s bad enough that Batman is bending over, but then you are expected to “pull his trigger” as if giving him a reach-around. That’s when the spray comes out of his mouth.

It was made in the 1960’s. At a time when none of us were perverts and would have never noticed the weirdness/creepiness of this water gun. To top it all off, you refill water directly into the plug on his Bat-butt. Oh well. I guess an enema never hurt anybody. It could be worse. There could be a Robin accessory that refills him.

Vintage Deck of Cards Straitjacket

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deck of cards straight jacket
Any 8s? Nope. Go fish. Any Aces? Nope. Go fish. This game is boring. Why don’t we play something else? Like crazy 8s? Well, because that game is too damn crazy. That’s why I have my deck secured in a straight jacket. So it doesn’t hurt itself or others with it’s sharp edges. I also have it taking some pills and talking to a counselor once a week.

This straight jacket for cards is perfect for that one crazy deck you have that’s dangerous and deranged. It would also be perfect for keeping a haunted deck restrained. No cards are escaping this straight jacket!
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Crocheted Cowburger Amigurumi

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crocheted cow burger
This cowburger amigurumi looks delicious. He’s on a sesame seed bun and everything. He even has a nice blanket of cheese on top, oozing over him and keeping him warm. I’d eat this guy in one bite. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can get this from Burger King’s secret menu. Just ask for “the whole moo-moo”. You’ll hear some moans and screams as it is being turn away from it’s mother, followed by a thud as it is slapped down into the bun.

Hold him tight and don’t let him escape by jiggling those buns. On the plus side, he makes his own secret sauce. Ewww!
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Custom Built Zombie Crusher With Automatic Machine Gun

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zombie crusher
This may not be large enough for me to tool around in during the imminent zombie uprising, but my action figures are gonna love this Zombie Crusher With Automatic Machine Gun. I’ll be taking zombies out with some awesome head shots from above, while my GI Joes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shoot at their ankles. Pew! Pew! Pew! You’re all clear kid! Let’s blow this thing and go home!

Now I have to find something for my My Little Pony figures to ride around in. That’s right, I said it! I’m a brony. Got a problem? That’s what I thought! Don’t make me go all Rainbow Dash on you! Meaning, I will run away super fast with my colorful jacket and go play with ponies.
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