Author: Artemis Winterford

Spine Candle Holders Are Chiro-Practical

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Spine Candle HoldersChiropractors, lumbar lovers and other fans of the back will appreciate these spine candle holders. I’m looking at you Predator. They really set the mood and are a constant reminder to practice good posture.

They are also a reminder that we are nothing but bone under all of that skin and muscle. Well, in my case just skin. I have about enough muscle to roll a D20 ten inches or so with my stubby T-Rex arms. No lie, I was the weakest in my litter. Which is probably why I often play dead if the door bell rings. By now, they know to leave the pizza on the porch and take the envelope containing the money.

They can also be used as a vase, as seen below.
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Star Wars Salacious B Crumb Life Size Replica Hand Puppet

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Salacious B CrumbToo bad this life sized Salacious B Crumb just ended without a bid. I would have totally bought it for $850 from Ebay seller 7heads10horns.

Salacious B Crumb is one of the best names ever. It fits the cackling and stark raving mad little weirdo. I’m guessing he basically lives off of Jabba’s crumbs. Cause you know, Hutts are fat.

Zombie Toes: This Little Piggy Craved Brains

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zombie toesZombie toes are just as nasty as the rest of the Zombie. Apparently Zombie toes each have little faces and mouths. Who knew? I run from Zombies, I don’t take their shoes off and inspect their undead feet. Now that I know, I am sickened and fascinated at the same time.

This little piggy killed at market, this little piggy craved brains, and this little piggy staggered all the way home moaning….I’ve seen some nasty toes in my day, but these guys are the worst. Do we know if athlete’s foot kills them? I’m gonna put ’em all in a sock and beat a Zombie in the face with ’em.

Click through for more undead toe jam mixed with funk and bone fragments.
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Well This Is Depressing: Your Plane is On Fire and Your Children Are Gone

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plane on fire artI really don’t like other humans. I do my best to avoid them and I certainly don’t want other humans visiting me in my own home, expecting me to serve them Iced Tea and offer them snacks. I’m pretty anti-social. How to keep them away though… I think I will buy this $5,750.00 oil painting titled “Your Plane is On Fire and Your Children Are Gone“.

Yeah. This should keep my home pest guest free. I’ve only just seen it and I’m already depressed. I wouldn’t want to visit me and see this on the wall.

That dude in the back looks like a young Doc Emmett Brown hitting 88mph. More like 8888mph. The old lady next to him has dropped her pills. No more bingo for her. Little cherub angels are flying around everywhere amid the screams and panic thickened air, darting to and fro, trying to snatch souls. It looks like a couple of them are in a wrestling match. It’s all a freakin’ game to these cherubs. That couple in front, they’ll just sleep through it, even though one of them has clearly brought a dog along. I think the little girl did it. With mind powers!

Man, I am all kinds of depressed now. Mostly because Marty McFly will never meet Doc Brown thanks to this painting. And if that happens, no Back To The Future movies. Great Scott! We have to go back to the past to change this!
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Sammy Davis Jr. And Mini Burt Reynolds Dolls Are Ready To Haunt You

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sammy davis jr and burt reynoldsThis Ebay auction is for 4 haunted dolls for $9,999.99. But I’m only concerned about these two here. I don’t care what names they go by, I know Sammy Davis Jr. and Burt Reynolds anywhere. Together they will party down and haunt the sh*t out of a place. They starred in the Cannonball Run movies together. Burt is still alive, but whatever.

The seller says that these dolls are of the Guatemalan/Mayan Folk Saint San Simón Maximon. The seller also says:

“These things are powerful as sh*t. I have NEVER had Magick work so effectively as with San Simón.”

That is powerful. And since magic is spelled with a k, you know these dolls are gonna bring the funk and the psycho-kinetic gunk (ectoplasm). Basically the seller claims that they made a pact with this entity and he won’t let them out of the deal. So they are selling the dolls.

However, you will have to offer this spirit “money, tobacco, booze, black candles, bread or cakes, etc”. Well, that explains why these dolls are smoking up and sitting amid a pile of booze and coins. Sammy D and Burt Reynolds always did like to live it up. Now they are holding this poor seller hostage. And I find that hilarious. They can have my bread and cakes, even the money, but my booze and smokes are off limits.