Author: Artemis Winterford

Ouija Board Skirt: Talk To The Dead While Copping A Feel

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Ouija Board SkirtI wish all girls wore Ouija Board Skirts. It would be so easy to score with chicks. Right now if I take my planchette and start rubbing it all over a girl, I instantly get smacked and kicked in the nads.

But a girl wearing a Ouija Board Skirt? She’s gotta be okay with it if I try to connect with the spirit world(her bedroom). I would just move the planchette over her body and ask if she’s into me. Then she would smile down at me and gently take the planchette, moving it over “YES”. Then I would smile back warmly and take it back and spell out “Should I bring a condom?” because I’m a gentleman after all. That’s when she would glower, yank it from my hand and hover over “goodbye”. *Sad face* I’ll find you one day, true love.

Can You Hear Me Now?: Body Part Earrings Make You All Ears

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ear earringsThese body part earrings make quite a statement. They say, “I want- No, I NEED more ears than anyone else. But I only want to dig wax out of two of them.” These earrings are eerie. Get it? Don’t ya just lobe them?

Personal log. Stardate: who the f knows because I sleep in everyday until dark and can’t see the clock radio through the laundry pile… Speaking of ear wax, I’ve just shoved the Q-tip in too far. Again. My attempt at getting enough wax to make an ear wax candle for my Etsy shop is not going well. Not at all. And the voices in my head have started again….

Shhhhhhhh.

Nevermind. False alarm. That was just talk radio being filtered through two pairs of crusty underwear. Is something moving in that pile. *grabs a baseball bat* I’ll be back.

Devil Phone Gives You a Direct Line To Hell

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devil phoneThis art piece is appropriately called “He Only Calls Me When He’s Horny“. For the record, I just get busy. I mean to call, but then I get distracted by work, video games, action figures, and writing Star Wars fan-fiction, in that order. By then my schedule is clear enough to fit some other things in. It’s just a coincidence that I’m horny at that time. It has nothing to do with Jar-Jar fisting an Ewok.

Now that that is clear, this phone looks like the devil. And it is totally horny. For some extra creepy reason, it has a soundboard inside that makes it cry like a baby. Only $250.

Creepy/Cool: Zombie Kinkade Painting

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zombie kinkade paintingThomas Kinkade paints all kinds of idyllic scenes. Quaint little cottages in the snow, quiet villages by a mountainside… You know the kind. It’s the sort of thing that your grandmother pays too much for on QVC and hangs on the wall, telling you everyday that when she is gone, it will be all yours. Too bad you don’t want it. Then granny dies and you are stuck with it, so you sell it for fifty bucks at your yard sale. Then granny haunts you for all time and makes you insane. All because of Thomas Kinkade. Do you know how hard it is to write an article while granny is jabbering away about her thrift store finds on the other side and the fact that she doesn’t need dentures “over here”? STFU granny.

Anyway, this Etsy seller has dramatically increased the value and interestingness (Yes, that is a word, because I have seen other people on the internet using it. Shut it granny!) by adding some Zombies to Kinkade’s work. These guys are terrorizing the hell out of that quiet little cottage. Only $19.95 for a print.

Life-Sized Peeping Tom Prop For Creepy Pranks

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Life-Sized Peeping Tom PropWhat have we here? A creepy compliment to that Peeping Clown we showed you awhile back. This one is a scary Peeping Tom found from the same seller on Ebay. It’s perfect for scaring the bejesus out of your friends. Hopefully they don’t own guns.

Damn, this guy looks super creepy, cupping his hands to look in your window. You can practically hear him panting and mumbling psycho sweet nothings.

You can also find it on Amazon.