If you want to roll with me in the apocalypse as I drive my souped up golf cart, you better dress the part. You need a Post Apocalyptic Skirt And Top. *Becomes a blurry cyclone racing around you* There, that’s better. Now you’re looking awesome.
Get in. I have a lead on a run-down grocery store that may have a single pack of Twinkies left on aisle 5. Then I gotta battle like 50 dudes in mohawks while zooming down Fury Road. I call it that cuz it’s full of potholes. Makes me furious!
Happy birthday Jesus. I got you this Jesus Sweater. But you already knew that. Yeah, I know it’s a little early, but I wanted to get this out of the way so I can celebrate Christmas with Santa. Dude gives me all the cool presents. You know how it is. We cool? Aight! Catch ya on the flip side. No, don’t worry ’bout it. Ain’t no bother for the holy father.
*Lightning flashes down and I evaporate into a pile of ash.*
It’s that time of year peeps. That time when we dress up like monsters and go door to door expecting free stuff that will rot our teeth and fill our belly. Let’s take a look at some f**ked up kids costumes. Some of these are just weird, some may be a bad choice for innocent kids, others may scar a kid for life.
Like this Zombie Tutu Dress. Put it on your kid and they will have a strange desire to bite innocent victims and play hide and seek in a cemetery all day. When night comes, they’ll probably dig up a corpse and have a little midnight snack.
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Tentacle Headband sounds like some kind of octopus themed heavy metal head banging group, but it’s not. It’s a cool new piece of head gear that brings you one suckered tentacle closer to Cthulhu. It’s made from wiggly rubber that gives it an authentic and likely gross feel. Which is what you want from a tentacle.
So it will feel like Cthulhu actually has his tentacle on your head. Not in a pervy way. Get your head out of the gutter. Like he’s saying, “You look FABULOUS. So proud of you. Gonna make you look awesome today. Why do you think I’ve waited for like millions of years ya silly goose. The ancient evil of style has awakened more fab than ever.” *Tentacles mimic hand snaps all around* “Let’s do that foundation girl. How’s the love life. uh-huh. Uh-huh!”
This Large Spider Belt Buckle is just the spider I need to stand guard outside of my man-junk like a bouncer. What it would be guarding against, I have no idea. You ladies aren’t exactly beating down my zipper. Well, unless you count a few Karate kicks.
Just noticed. This thing has 10 legs. Wait. 10 legs? Just Googled it. Some spiders have 10 legs. WTF? You weren’t creepy and leggy enough? I’m talking to you too Heidi Klum. And you Kelly Ripa.
What has 14 legs, the perfect sized waist, two heads and a cool belt buckle? Answer: Heidi Klum and Kelly Ripa tied together with a belt bearing this buckle while they yak endlessly and slap at each other.
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