Category: Creep Wear

Behold The Bling Of Kings: 10kt Gold Jesus

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jesus bling pendantYou may think you’re a holy-roller, but if you don’t have this 10kt gold Jesus pendant, you ain’t nothing but a holy-roller skater, watching a Cadillac pass you by. The Cadillac being the dude wearing this blinged out face of Earth’s lord and savior.

Flash Gordon? James T. Kirk? Doctor Who? No you silly heathens. Earth’s other lord and savior. The original action hero. The almighty Jesus. Here he is all blingy-blingy, looking straight up pimp for $5,950.00 on Ebay. Because everyone knows that Jesus would prefer you to wear some gaudy shiny trinket, instead of, you know, taking that money and feeding the hungry or something. Man, that is some tacky looking Jesus jewelry.

Shriek Chic: Leather Monster Belt Bag

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leather monster bagIf you want a monster on your hip, you don’t have to give birth and tote a crying baby around, who is smacking and kicking at your ribs. Just buy this leather monster belt bag for $150. on Etsy. It is grievously gross and horrendously horrifying. Just a bunch of bloodshot eyes and a foaming slobbering mouth full of fangs.

Monsters get hungry, so keep all your stuff in there and keep it well fed, so that it doesn’t turn on you.

Click through for close ups of those eyes and that horribly detailed slobbering mouth. Or I could just show you a pic of me with a hangover. Really no difference.
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I Will Have To Calvin De-Klein: Denim Jeans Purse

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denim jeans purseYou are going to love this new purse from the new fall “Crotch Collection”. It’s chic, stylish, and may even come with the faint scent of man or lady parts. Because everyone knows that Ebay sellers do not wash things for crap before they craft the item and ship it out. Ebay sellers are the poo throwing, butt scratching monkeys of online shopping, while Etsy sellers are the evolved crafters who go to tea parties and point at Ebay and laugh. That’s just a fact.

Anyway, this purse used to be a vehicle for someone’s crotch. Now it is a purse. These were made from jeans that are over 30 years old. The seller says so. That’s a lot of time for a crotch to be married to some pants. That stink ain’t never coming out.

My wife has one of these and she loves it. Some of her reviews include: “Why does my lipstick smell like ass?” or “I’m sick of my money smelling like sweaty man-sack.” Or, my personal favorite, “Sure am enjoying my vag-scented Tic-Tacs.”

Fetus Earrings Won’t Give You The Power Of Ultrasound

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Fetus EarringsLook at this. The miracle of life on each ear. What was that? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you since all sound waves are deflected off of my twin fetuses dangling from my ears as if swaying on their own umbilical cords.

Weeeee. Mommy is taking you for a wild ride today. First it’s off to Baskin and Robbins, because I deserve it and I have a spare cubbyhole where my butt meets my thigh, that needs to be filled with human-consumptive fat-wax. Then it’s off to the gym to work off yesterdays scandalous B and R rendezvous with raspberry. After that, it’s two hours of rom com on Netflix and then we’re off to the bar. If I play my cards right, I might just have another baby on board. For reals this time.

Ouija Board Skirt: Talk To The Dead While Copping A Feel

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Ouija Board SkirtI wish all girls wore Ouija Board Skirts. It would be so easy to score with chicks. Right now if I take my planchette and start rubbing it all over a girl, I instantly get smacked and kicked in the nads.

But a girl wearing a Ouija Board Skirt? She’s gotta be okay with it if I try to connect with the spirit world(her bedroom). I would just move the planchette over her body and ask if she’s into me. Then she would smile down at me and gently take the planchette, moving it over “YES”. Then I would smile back warmly and take it back and spell out “Should I bring a condom?” because I’m a gentleman after all. That’s when she would glower, yank it from my hand and hover over “goodbye”. *Sad face* I’ll find you one day, true love.