I like to bring out these Colorful Anatomy Coasters when I have guests. It’s a visual illustration of which body part I will harm if they don’t use the coaster and stain my furniture. Here, have a nice skeleton hand coaster. What? You set your drink on my tabletop and left a mark? Oh well, the coaster was the warning. *Hits their hand hard*
Nah. I would never cause anyone bodily harm. Except for myself obviously, by eating a pound of Cheetos everyday for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Getting hungry. I’ll just make myself a nice little healthy salad with some- WHAT IN THE TENTACLED HELL? WHAT FOUL DEMON POURS INTO THIS REALITY FROM YONDER PORTAL? Oh, it’s just another Lovecraftian horror. Phew. Ever since I got this Lovecraftian Horror Portal, horrors have been busting in like Kramer on Seinfeld. *Quickly makes a sandwich. Tentacles scoop it up and retreat back where they came from.*
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Button your lip.
No, you button your lip!
You button your whole skull.
Fine I will. Then I’ll sell it on etsy.
And sew the Handmade Button Skull With Denture Teeth was born. See what I did there. I am am sew talented. This buttoned down skull has some real chompers. He’s all buttons and bite. And bone. You might say he’s a glutton for buttons.
Fun fact: At first I typed gluten, which which only rhymes with Putin. But I went with glutton so I could keep this blog gluten free. You know, for the vegans. But then I went and explained myself to you and now I have gluten in the blog. Great! Now we aren’t gluten free. I hope you’re happy. Vegans will be pissed at me now.
Holy Jeebus! Pinhead Bunny scares the hell out of me more than raising it. Get it? Hellraiser? Is it Hellraiser or Hellrazor? Nah, that’s just the devil’s Gillette. Anyway, this ain’t no funny bunny? You might call him Hare-raiser! Get it? Man, I crack myself up. Those eyes. That face. That’s gonna be in my nightmares tonight, stoked by the warm fire that is the quart of gin I drank to forget I ever saw this thing. Dude broght his own knives and everything.
I have a plan though. When this thing shows up in my dreams to gnaw at my bones with it’s buck teeth, I’m gonna trick him and Freddy Krueger into killing each other. Then I will finally be at peace. Can’t a guy sleep for one night without freaky freaks invading his dreams?
You could get this Gothic Skeleton Bottle Opener or you could do what I do. Which is, stick a beer bottle in your grandfather’s mouth and pop that cap off while granddad is sleeping soundly. Turns out false teeth are really great at opening beer bottles. What’s not so great are all of those bottle caps that had to pumped out of his stomach. Sorry Grandpa.
Grandpa would prefer that I use one of these skull openers, but I really don’t see the difference. They look just like one another. Except Gramps has liver spots all over. Looks like a geriatric Cheetah. Say meow grampa!