Category: Just Plain Weird

Spam The Dice Game

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spam dice game
I don’t know about you, but I plan on inviting some friends over to play the Spam Dice Game. I have no idea how to play though. Usually playing the SPAM game involves the family collectively gagging a little and seeing how much you can get down your SPAM-hole before opening a full on vomitorium in the kitchen. Then the fun part starts when your vomit clogs up the sink and you have to plunge it. First one to get that drain clear while not passing out wins.

Not that I’m saying SPAM is gross or anything.

Anyway, who wants to come over and roll some dice. I’ll cook up a meal and prime the drain.

Sloth in a Matchbox

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etsy sloth in a matchbox
Hey a Sloth in a Matchbox. He looks super comfy in there too. Makes me think of my dear departed grandmother. She used to always say, “Get up you lazy idiot. You’re like a sloth in a matchbox!” Yeah, too bad I’m not a sloth in a matchbox wearing headphones you old- Then the frying pan would hit me in the head.

That’s horrible. You said departed. When did your grandmother die?

Die? Look at this knot on my skull. Does that look like she left this Earth? She got this sloth out of the matchbox and departed for the grocery store. That crazy old bat. Is it odd that I like to sleep on matchstick shavings? Now if you’ll excuse me this sloth is going back to bed. Extinguish all lit cigarettes please.

Monster Shaving Kit

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monster shaving kit
It’s been like two weeks since I shaved, so I probably need a Monster Shaving Kit. Something that’s going to eye me up while I lather up the shaving cream in it’s head. Are you giving me the stink-eye monster? Cuz your eyeing me up and it reeks in here. Oh, sorry. That was me. I farted.

You are one scary piece of pottery my friend. I say that because of the glazed look you’re throwing in my direction. You’re making me nervous. Ow! Now you made me cut myself. I’ll just catch the droplets with your head. Uh-oh. Should you be bubbling all evil-like when blood collects in you? Like you are about to come to life? This is not good at all.

Realistic Animal Lollipops

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realistic animal lollipops
These Realistic Animal Lollipops were created by Amezaiku artist Shinri Tezuka. Amezaiku is the Japanese craft of lollipop-making, which dates back to the 700s. Wow, humans have been sucking for a long time. I thought it was just the younger generation. You learn something new everyday. And then you forget it, because you get distracted by other weird stuff.

So Shinri Tezuka makes realistic lollipops for the suckers who visit his Tokyo shop. Hey, that’s what they are. Me? I don’t suck mine, I like to lick it all day long and savor it. Hey! What’s so funny? I like lollipops. I take my time. Unlike that Tootsie Pop Owl.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of your goldfish pop? Let’s find out. a-one *lick* a-two *lick* three *chomp* What in the seven kingdoms of candy hell? That’s a real goldfish!
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Monster Boxes With Teeth

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etsy monster teeth box
You can store your trinkets in these Monster Boxes With Teeth from Etsy seller Left Hand Asylum and no one would dare plunder your treasures. Well, if there was a twinkie inside or a candy bar, I would take my chances prying those jaws apart. I might lose a finger or three, but it would be totally worth it. First I would get a stick and jam it in there so he can’t bite down, then I would comment on it’s bad breath and throw a tic-tac in there. Then, like Indiana Jones, I would carefully open the box inside.

Two pieces of lint and a Fortune Cookie! *Eats fortune cookie up. Looks at the fortune* “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.” Stupid monster box! Hey… In another cookie… I have a box of Oreos in the kitchen. I’ll start there.

*Two years later*

*Chinese doctor comes back in the room. Hands me a tiny fortune shaped paper* It reads: You have diabetes. Doctor says, “Monster take many forms. You have your fortune. Thanks for tic-tac” and vanishes.

God dammit!
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