Tag: bizarre

Creepy Coin Eating Bank

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

creepy face coin bank
You could buy this Creepy Coin Eating Bank, but chances are you already have one. It’s called a kid. Those little wallet-thumpers eat money like there’s no tomorrow. And guess what? There is no tomorrow. Because you have kids. And no money for cool stuff. All of your tomorrows are gone. Suckers. That’ll teach ya to not wear a rubber. You don’t see me with a grubby little money-vacuum hanging off my leg. I-

*Ding-Dong!* *Opens door.* *Looks at the little fat kid that was left on my doorstep. Kid looks back.*

I know. I know. Your mom left you here, because she can no longer take care of you and she somehow thinks I have loads of money right? Shut up. I know you’re my kid, not because you’re a little fatty, although that definitely weighs in your favor. No pun intended. I know, because you’re carrying that giant box of chocolate everywhere, just like this little fatty used to do.*Fights back tears*

Take it. This is like 500 in cash. I was gonna get a new PS4 tonight. Now get out of here before we both start crying.*sniffle* *Shuts door.* *Collects myself and looks through peephole. Sees kid going crazy outside, dancing.*

Hears: “Hey dad that crazy f***er just won me the school contest! He didn’t even buy any candy. I just won a PS4!”

God damn it!

Nuclear Family Nesting Dolls: Mutated Matryoshkas

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mutant nuclear family matryoshka nesting dolls
This menagerie of mutant Matryoshkas look murderous and malevolent. Gotta be honest. Not even sure I spelled matryoshka right. Spell check isn’t helping. It does have “try” in it, so as long as you try, that’s all that counts.

These five nesting dolls are a real nuclear family. They have the radiation, falling out teeth, blisters and the odd tentacle or two to prove it too. I haven’t seen a family so ugly since I made my own. Not now junior, daddy’s working. Here’s a pork chop. The dog will play with you now.
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Porcelain Doll Head Tea Cups

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doll head tea cup
Make any tea party into an awkward and weird affair with these Porcelain Doll Head Tea Cups from Etsy seller ENDEceramics. *Sips tea with my pinky in the air* I like your tea cups. I especially like how your cup is looking at me and how my cup is looking at you as we sip. Just so I’m clear, am I a prisoner? Have I been poisoned? Just wondering because this scene is creepy as f***. *Feeling woozy* Yeah, I think I’ll pass out now. Don’t do anything too weird to me k? Don’t be like my dentist and tell me it’s normal to wake up with my pants down and wearing a hand puppet.

The seller has these doll head tea cups in white too if using a child shaped head as a drinking vessel appeals to you. Just don’t do anything too weird with them.
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Cthulhu Fetus Pups

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cthulhu baby pups
My Cthulhu just had pups. Aren’t they adorable? I mean, they’re gonna grow up to destroy the world, but still. Now I gotta go through the hassle of printing up some flyers. You know “Free Cthulhu pups” call me at the number below. I named them Zoidberg, Squidchin, Tenta-butt and Squiggly.

Their mother died, so I have to milk them myself. I gotta come clean, the mother is fine. I just enjoy it. But my man-boobs are starting to dry up. Except when they cry. Then it’s like a leaky faucet. We got a weird bond thing happening. My nipples are pretty irritated though.

Damn it Zoidberg, stop clawing at the sofa.

Felt Dissected Easter Bunny: No Bunny Knows Easter Like The Coroner Bunny

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dissected easter bunny
The Easter Bunny has seen better days that’s for sure. This Felt Dissected Easter Bunny shows the furry deliverer of chocolates and sweets after he has been opened up by some coroner. Apparently he died of high cholesterol judging by those undigested eggs(And Easter grass) in his stomach.

Poor guy. By poor guy, I mean me. He died before he could deliver my Cadbury eggs and Peeps this year. Now what the hell am I gonna do? Somebody elect a new Easter bunny STAT! Is it an elected office? We have to save Easter!

*Buys a bunny suit and hits the candy isle at the local Walmart. Damn! Fatties have cleared the shelves. Hits some grocery stores. Buys everything they have. Easter will be saved!*

Easter day… *Lays in the corner groaning amid empty candy wrappers and foil. Chocolate all over my bunny suit. Ears bent to hell. In a drugged out candy coma. A swarm of bunnies burst through the door and pile onto me, beating the crap out of me with bunny limbs.*

I’m sorry. I meant to save Easter, but it’s mine. It’s all mine!*crying* I’m sick, I need help! I’ll get better I swear. I’ll go to rehab. Just one more Peep first. No, don’t eat me! *tears*