This bank tube purse will come in handy the next time my wife asks me to get her purse. I’ll just pop it in the tube with a deposit slip and let it fly away until it comes out the other side to hit my wife in the head.
Then she’ll forget what she asked for and she’ll sign it and send it back, thinking she’s making a deposit. Then I collect the money! Sweet. I’ll have a PS4 in no time now. Thank you bank tube purse. And thank you for banking at the First National Bank of me.
Man, I gotta start dating. Problem is when I signed up for match.com, my membership screen said “We have found a match for you: MY ASS YOUR FACE”. Nice. Thanks for nothing. I have feelings too you know. Except in my buttcheeks. They’re all tingly and numb from sitting here all day bringing you awesome and weird stuff. Go me.
This Willy Care Kit might help me to up my dating game. You gotta keep tidy and neat after all and us guys are dating for two. *Looks down* You and I both have to shape up. Then once we get a woman we can let ourselves go again. Deal?
This kit comes with a fluffing brush, styling sheers, a sprucing mirror and even some evening wear for the little guy in the form of a little necklace.
One, two, Freddy’s got a new shoe. Three, Four, his ankles are sore. Well, when you see Freddy in dreams you’re bound to see him wearing everything at some point. The last time I saw Freddy he was wearing a cow-print moo-moo over a bikini. Dreams are messed up! He knows what I like. I’ll say that.
These Freddy Krueger High Heels will let you walk all over Freddy. Literally. They have melted Freddy flesh in front, the stripes from his sweater and claws in the back. They are probably cushioned with the soles of his victims. Soles. Heh. I know what you’re thinking. What the heel kinda joke is that? Just a little something I cobbled together. Shoe humor. Don’t judge me. At least not until…
Get it? Who gets it? I am a friggin’ rock star. The guy outside 7-11 was right. These meds really work. Just found my new doctor!
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Your iPhone is a powerful device, even if they do keep “upgrading” it every year and giving you the bare minimum in new features for a sweet high price. See, that right there is why I use a flip phone. Well, your crazy expensive phone is about to get even more powerful. Unlock the power of Nicolas Cage and let him hug your phone with his dead unblinking eyes, like the Shakespearean acting sloth that he is. Your smartphone will never be the same.
Choose from Pepperoni Pizza face Cage, Mona Lisa Cage, Illuminati Cage, Our Lord Cage, Astronaut Cage and Renaissance Woman Cage. Get all the Nic Cages. You gotta catch ’em all!
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Use this Bloody Pillow to prank your friends into thinking they are walking into a murder scene, because nothing says friendship like simulating murder and pretending to be a corpse lying in your own blood. I’m not judging. Different strokes for different folks.
I’m gonna buy it because it’s soft and comfy, not because it makes it look like I am bleeding from the head. If anyone happens to see me napping and call the cops, it wouldn’t be the first time. Of course last time it was because I just overdosed on red skittles and tomato juice while at the beach. Odd combination? Sure, but you gotta get your daily intake of vegetables in somehow. I had been drooling for like two hours. I vaguely remember Greenpeace saying they had never seen a whale so grotesque, but after that I blacked out.