Tag: etsy

Awesome Dragons Chess Set

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Awesome Dragons Chess Set
You might not know it, but I’m a Chess grandmaster. No, really. I paid a grand for that diploma and it says master. So I’m totally qualified to buy this Awesome Dragons Chess Set. Trust me, it’s impressive, cuz I’m not even qualified to buy a bicycle. According to that guy at Toys R Us anyway. First off, I am NOT too “big, fat and stupid” to ride that bike with the sweet Pokemon design. Second, that frame was snapped in half long before I sat on it. Third, why can’t I pay you in snack foods?

Anyway, here there be dragons! I’ll spend my money on that instead. I’m not too big and fat to break a chess board with mighty dragons on it! Although I did once sit on a checkers board and break it in half. It was Chinese checkers though, so I blame shoddy workmanship. Not my big fat ass.
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Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box

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Monster Storage Boxes
This Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box is pretty awesome. In D and D, when you find a special box like this in the dungeon, you know it contains a magical item or two. Maybe even some magical fruit that doesn’t make you toot. My campaigns usually go something like this:

My DM: You see a large chest with a troll head on it. What do you do?

Me: I look from the chest to the woman’s face and ask her where she got such a lovely troll tattoo.

DM: Seriously?

Me: Yeah. It’s quality work.

DM: Do something else.

Me: I wet my thumb and rub the chest, seeing if the troll comes off.

DM: Roll a Dex check. You fail automatically. The chest eats you.

Me: So I’m inside the chest? Can I motorboat?

DM: We’re done here.
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Snail Monsters Are Slow, Slimey And Scary

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zombie snail monster
Etsy seller limaceous makes all kinds of creepy and crazy, scary and slimey, gross and googly-eyed Snail Monsters. Buy one and they will mail it to you. Snail mail. Obviously. Good joke huh? Snailed it!

These little creatures are the perfect monsters. They’re all gross and nasty, but slow enough to run from. Plus, if you’re really scared you can just stomp them. Or slug them. Get it? I’m gonna use these to scare away real snails in my garden. Long story. It involves a septic tank overflow and a night full of thunder and lightning. Also stars me as the mad scientist. I’m not allowed to say anymore.
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Custom Metalwork Eye Patch

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custom eye patch
Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something sexy about a lady in a Custom Metalwork Eye Patch. You’re a sexy sexy steampunk cyborg pirate aren’t you? They say that in the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king. I say, in the presence of a one-eyed lady, I may actually have a chance. Don’t get me wrong, that chance is slim and none, but it is a chance.

Slim and none means no chance dumbass.

Shows what you know. Slim and nun means I have to go to church to find the girl of my dreams. Hmmmm. Getting through the door without burning a fiery death, that’s the problem.

Zombie Hand Drain Stopper

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zombie bathtub stopper
This Zombie Hand Drain Stopper is perfect if you like your bath water red. Which I do. Hey, nothing gives you soft skin and a warm glow like soaking in a bath of Hi-C fruit punch and Cherry Kool-Aid. Diabetes. You’re soaking in it.

You think this hand will massage my feet and tickle me while I ladle sugar drinks all over myself? Nevermind. Just saw those fingernails. Looks like we have some fungus among us. I know you’re already dead and all, so would it kill you to get a manicure? No. No it wouldn’t.