Tag: etsy

Art Painted By A Squirrel

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art painted by a squirrel
This is a supposed painting by a squirrel name Winklehimer. You can check out a video here, but you won’t see it paint a picture. You’ll just see a squirrel nibble on the end of a brush while it’s desperate human tries to cash in on the fact that it can “paint”. I hate to prolong her 15 minutes of fame, but credit where credit is due: It’s better than I can do.

My wife gets me to paint in the same way. She puts a twinkie on the end of the brush and holds a paper up to the brush end while I nibble away. No way I’m letting her profit off my art though. That’s why all my art says, “Get more twinkies!” in bold brushstrokes.

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach…A squirrel to not do art.
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Monster Inspired Dresses

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monster inspired dresses
Check out these Monster Inspired Dresses fit for any Bridezilla. The seller has dresses inspired by Frankenstein, Vampires, Zombies and more.

The only dresses they don’t have are ones inspired by my almost-wife. Of course how do you capture a woman approaching the altar screaming and crying at the same time? How do you capture the running out of the church in high heels, not once but several times as she loads up the car with gifts and then drives off, flipping me the finger. I don’t think any dress could capture the scene.

Apparently marrying me cures blindness. Which also cures them of marrying me.
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Weird Crawling Alien Figure

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Creepy alien figure
This Weird Crawling Alien Figure is creepy. It’s crawly. It has some sort of fetuses trailing along behind it. Or possibly alien poopy. Maybe both. He probably had Mexican for lunch, which everyone knows, gives humans diarrhea. It does the same for alien males, while also inducing birth.

Which explains why he is crawling around in agony, his guts all in a twist, dropping Cleveland steamers along with his babies. My god the smell! But also the miracle of life. Should we be sickened or joyful? Somewhere Jesus is smiling down over this stinky sulphur smelling miracle of life. I imagine the last kid being pushed out with one last massive fart that hits the alien right in the face, making him pass out. It is now time for the young to feast on their father. By now even Jesus is like WTF and you can tell he’s trying not to hurl. He changes the channel.

This Magma Neckpiece Looks Lava-ly

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magna necklace
This Magma Neckpiece is hot. Scorching. Women look lava-ly in magma. You make me blow my top girl! Guys, do yourself a favor and buy this for your lady. Don’t be cheap like me. *Flashes back to two years ago*

……

What is my surprise?

Just keep your blindfold on. It’s almost ready.

I’m so excited. What is it?

Well, you remember how you wanted that magma neckpiece? I made you one myself. Open your eyes.

Uh…This is like a drippy plastic melted candle…

Yeah, I opened a couple of lava lamps and dumped it on a mannequin head. Then cut the head off to make the hole. You’re welcome.

It feels hot still. Why is my shirt smoking.

Why indeed? Where did it pick up that habit? From a nun? Heh. I crack myself- Ow! I’ll grab the fire extinguisher.

Teeth Crayons

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Teeth Crayons
You get older you lose your teeth. Or as my grandmother says, “You get older you lose your teef!” But that doesn’t mean you can’t get a new pair that you can color with. I’mma put these teeth crayons in my mouth, grab a coloring book and start biting as I move the page accordingly. If my printer can do it, I can do it. It’s how I eat stuff anyway. I’m like an old typewriter. *Nibble nibble nibble. Ding! Moves food back into position and repeats. Looks at the pile of crumbs at my feet. Tosses empty corn cob.*

Just gotta practice keeping the colors between the lines. *Holds up tattered and torn coloring book page.* Not bad. Too bad everything tastes like Crayola now.