This Nibble My Bits Bird Feeder Garden Gnome will be a sight for sore eyes for my neighbors, whose eyes are sore because it’s usually me in the yard with birdseed in my pants, shouting at them to “Nibble my bits” you fargon iceholes! They never do.
I think they’ll welcome this little guy. Property values may even go up around here. What can I say, I’m a bird lover and why use a dish when I wear pants three sizes too big?
Lawn flamingos are soooo 1950s trailer park. These days it’s all about dragons. Because dragons are awesome and breath fire and fly through the sky like they own that shizz. Cuz they do. I’ve seen the deed. You don’t mess with dragons. That’s why you should decorate your yard with these Dragon Lawn Flamingos from Etsy seller CedarMoon.
I just ordered like 5. I’m using them as bait. I’m hoping it will attract that chick from Game of Thrones. She’ll see them in my yard and be all like, “OMG dragons. Can I be your Queen?” I’ll be all like, “Yeah, but I only have one throne and that ain’t no game on Taco night. Cool?”
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Damn that’s nasty! Don’t have a mummified corpse to put in your yard so that birds and squirrels can feed from it’s dead body? No problem. Etsy seller AutumnsOddities has you covered. Your yard animals will love this Mummified Baby Bird Feeder.
Basically it makes it look like you left your kid permanently unattended in your yard until little Bobby or Susie has become squirrel food. Just fill it up with bird seed and then watch nature do it’s nasty thing. Just remember, they’ll be pecking at you next while you try to sip some lemonade in the backyard.
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If I had these Realistic Skull Garden Stones, I would just kneel over it with a brush, like I’m all Indiana Jones and just dug it up. Then my neighbor would be all like, “What ya got there?” and I’d be all like, “Shut Up Flanders! Meet the ex-wife. Guess I should have buried her deeper, but digging is hard work. And she was a big woman. Guess I better do it right this time. Anyway, get off my lawn!”
Then the SWAT team and I would have a nice laugh over lunch after they Swiss-cheese my house with bullets. I would casually mention the kilo of coke I planted “saw” in my neighbor’s car and how that’s an awfully nice house and car for someone who is unemployed. Good times. That’ll teach him to mind his own business.
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You know those garden gnomes you have? They need some backup in order to keep your garden safe. These new Garden Critter Solar Lights will round out your garden nicely and besides, it will look like a damn Pixar movie in front of your house all day long. At night too, because these gopher and raccoon sculptures wear glasses that light up at night.
I would say these are perfect to keep animated bad guys from your garden. I’m gonna use them to illuminate a path to my door because my night vision isn’t so good.
My doctor is all like “Do you drink at night?” and I’m all like “Every night. Hence the night vision problem. Duh! What did they teach you in med school?” Then he takes the finger out and snaps his latex glove off. He’s all like, “So your cholesterol levels look fine then. See me again in two days.”
Sweet! He’s the best Doctor on Craigslist by far.