Tag: halloween

Orphanage Of Misfit Babes

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Orphanage Of Misfit Babes
The Orphanage Of Misfit Babes looks like a scary place. I was a misfit baby, mostly cuz I was one of those fat babies you see on Maury Povich. My clothes all misfit. Some even split down the butt while I played with my rattle in one hand and clutched a Mars bar that looked like runny poop in the other. Seriously though, this orphange is full of creepy orphans. Probably even has a harsh and bitter old maid in charge who hits your knuckles with a ruler. The adults inside are terrified, all clutching each other and screaming. I say just leave the kid and get the hell out. Actually, I don’t say that cuz that can be misinterpreted.

I’m really looking forward to the movie based on this sculpture. I just noticed a baby devil in the yard. Who slept with the devil? That’s as evil as you can get. And you know the devil ain’t gonna take care of your kid. So next thing you know, you are leaving your devil baby on the steps of the orphanage to be raised by nuns. Good luck with that nuns. That’s why they call them nuns you know. They don’t want none of that!
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Be Prepared: Zombie Survival Kit

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Be Prepared Zombie Survival Kit
This is a Zombie Survival Kit that you can buy to be prepared for the eventual zombie apocalypse. I have no idea what’s going on in that image above. I think it’s the story of a cowgirl experiencing an undead outbreak firsthand. She was probably minding her own business, riding a mechanical bull, in some dark warehouse, or maybe giving a lap dance while some dude admires her tramp stamp, I have no idea, when the zombies burst in. So she got her knife out and got to work because she had this survival kit. Looking fabulous while chopping heads and making the undead dead again. Yippe Ky yay MFer! And that is exactly how you keep your sleezy nightclub free of undead freaks. She’s my new hero. Or is it heroine? She is my new heroine. I plan to take her internally once I find a vein and sleep with my eyes open and a smile on my face as I watch her exploits in my mind.

This kit includes a survival bandanna, survival saw, machete, germicide tablets, survival can, emergency blanket, survival book, first aid book, compass kit, gas mask, and a heavy wooden crate with a locking clasp.

Nosferatu Creepin’ Up Your Stairs…Coming To Get You

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Nosferatu Creepin' Up Your Stairs
Oh hell no. Stay away from me Nosferatu. I see your shadow. Because I keep all of the lights on in case you boogeymen come to get me. All full of boogers and probably blowing your nose in some old handkerchief. I’m not scared of you. I’m just exiting the house and standing in the snow because I’m hot. That’s all. Do what you want in there. You own the place now. I’m a lover, not a fighter. I’ll sign the deed over first thing in the morning.

This is actually how I lost my first house, by giving it away to a Nosferatu vinyl decal I forgot was there. I hope he’s happy on his one wall, with no one to scream like a sissy every time I would turn the corner.

So basically what you have here is Nosferatu on vinyl. Great album. Had classics like, The Transylvania Twerk, It’s Raining Blood(Hallelujah), The Nosferatu Shuffle, You Are The Wind Beneath My Bat-Wings and my personal favorite, Your Neck, My Mouth.

Monster Travel Pillow

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Monster Travel Pillows
This is a fun Monster Travel Pillow. It is cute and cartoony and fun. It even has nice “meat” definition on that arm. But I think the seller might be a serial killer. What’s up with that blood all over your mannequin’s face? Damn. Didn’t you ever see Dexter? That’s why you prep the room with clear plastic sheets. Otherwise, the next thing you know you have a bloody mannequin head on Etsy.

Anyway, I might buy this travel pillow just to have an arm around my neck while I’m watching movies. I’ll let it have the remote and see what’s on because of it’s huge hand. I also might occasionally slap myself with that huge hand just because. Is it weird that I want to pick on those scabs as if they were my own? I’m weird like that.

Monster Valentines Day Cards

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Creepy Valentines Day Cards 2
Don’t be a monster. Treat your girl or guy right this Valentine’s Day. Give them these Monster Valentines Day Cards. The real monsters are the ones that show up empty handed during VD. These remind me of those fun cards everyone was giving each other in school when I was a kid. Well, I wasn’t getting any. Not much has changed. I’m all grown up and still not getting any.

It’s cool, I usually buy myself 5 pounds of assorted chocolates and lock myself in my room for the day. It’s just like what I imagine the life-cycle of real love is like: A whirlwind romance, with a lot of time spent between the sheets and before you know it, you wake up cramping and not being able to poop for a week. Just guessing.

Anywho these monster valentines are pretty cool. They feature various horror monsters carrying a girl off with a heart behind them. And the girl doesn’t even look that scared compared to that time I tried it and ended up in the Police Station overnight until they decided I was too stupid to be the local serial killer. Unless I was a copy cat. I was like, “no way, I don’t copy. I’m 100 percent original in what I do.” For some reason that made them change their mind and I stayed much longer.