This Jabba the Hutt Necklace is for all of you ladies who don’t have a fat slug weighing them down in real-life. You know, some slob playing the PS4 all day or playing with action figures while you go out and earn a living. Obviously my wife doesn’t need this. She has her own.
*Pops a toad in my mouth and yanks her closer on her chain for a kiss. Gets strangled.* I guess playing with my Rancor is out of the question?
This Giant Zipper Bottle Opener is huge. Can you imagine the size of the tally whacker behind that pull tab? XYZBO. Examine Your Zipper Bottle Opener! Because it’s down. Near the bottom of your fridge and not pulled up top. We’ve all been there. You’re at a party. You don’t have a bottle opener. So you open your zipper and pop that top on it’s teeth, careful not to damage the family jewels. But what if you’re rocking a button fly?
First off, screw you! Button flies are for losers and slow pee-ers. By the time you get out of the gate, I’m gonna be giving it a shake and then washing my hands. Maybe dribbling onto your shoe if you’re in the urinal next to me. Too bad, you shouldn’t have peeked! Anyway, this Giant Zipper Bottle Opener is the classy way to open bottles. And you won’t risk damage to your wee-wee. You’re welcome.
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You’ll need a couple of marines doing that funeral flag folding thing to put these Super Wide Pants in your drawers. Reasons to buy these:
You have a wide load and need wide pants.
You are part of a midget smuggling ring and this will allow you to smuggle a midget on each leg.
Cankles!
Because you don’t trip and fall on your face nearly often enough.
You like to take up the whole aisle at the supermarket.
One washer, one garment. That’s just how you roll.
Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. Some days you just lay down with the bear and roll around like a couple goofballs and hope to hell your buddy doesn’t rip your spleen out or take your face off.
This Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag looks pretty obese. That means he’s a good cuddler. At least that’s why my wife says I’m so cuddly. This fat bear is not just for sitting on. He’ll keep you warm even on the coldest night. And if he doesn’t I’ll just turn my lightsaber on and cut into his belly and climb in until a snowspeeder spots me in the morning. Then I’ll spend like 4 hours in a bacta tank recovering. It won’t be long before I head to the Dagobah system to train as a Jedi. Go me!
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Everyone should have a pair of giant lobster claws. They make everyday things into awesome things. Think of the fun that you could have doing things like: Hitchhiking, gesturing with your claws as you give directions, trying to saw through rope with your pincers, opening beer bottles and more.
You are gonna be a crazy crustacean. A prized pincer. Also, your handshake will now be powerful and dangerous for other humans. Life just got a little more awesome. Your new name is Zoidberg!