Tag: humorous

UFO Alien Abduction Sign

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UFO Alien Abduction Sign
Let your overnight guests know that aliens frequent your bedroom. This UFO Alien Abduction Sign will let them know that they could potentially be lying in bed minding their own business, when a beam of blue light lifts them out of bed.

They tried that shizz on me once. I was floating and rising up, then I heard their machinery straining and smelled smoke. Once their tractor beam broke, I fell back on my bed like a floppy fat fish and thanked God for my second helping of Cheetos and three bowls of ice cream. I win f***ers!

I Love The Poop Out Of You Toilet Paper

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I Love The Poop Out Of You Toilet Paper
I love you guys. And to show you, here’s some I Love The Poop Out Of You Toilet Paper. I really do you know. Glad to help you evacuate your colon. This is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for anyone, because we all have to poop. I know that I want others to think about me every time they wipe.

It’s functional. It’s thoughtful. It gets your butt clean. Give them chocolates to make them poop and then give them the gift of wiping. Like my dad used to say to my mom, “Here’s something for your mouth and something for your butt. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes

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Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes
Leave notes on a pair of underwear. Let’s make this brief Underwear Notes. People pay attention to a note on a pair of tightie whities. Other notes? They just crumple up and throw them away. Although I think they should have some yellow stains and look a little crusty. Maybe have some fried chicken grease. You know, just for realism. Maybe that’s just me. Perfect for notes like: PICK UP SOME UNDERWEAR! or CRAPPED MYSELF: JUST FYI or WE NEED MILK, DON”T BE A WIENER! then draw a picture of a wiener escaping the undies cuz you’re totally grown up, but it has to be done.

People always ask me, boxers or briefs? And I say I prefer my boxers in briefs, otherwise both fighters are gonna have two dangling arms hitting each other below the belt. I don’t really wanna see that. It’s already too much man on man action for me.

Women’s Meat Printed Socks

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Women's Meat Printed Socks
These Women’s Meat Printed Socks let you put some tenderloin on your tootsies. Some pork on your little piggies. Some bacon on your bunyons. You get the point. What could be better than meat on your feet? Not a damn thing. And now that they make socks that look like meat, I will no longer have to slip my feet into those choice cuts from the meat department. Hey, it gets cold during the winter. My floors are a bacterial nightmare. Look at how nicely marbled these are. You tenderize ’em in the washer and dryer.

Meat. It’s what’s for dinner. Also, it’s what’s for laundry. I’m gonna wear these to my local meat-up. It’s pork week. Like shark week only we’re the predators.

I’m Not One To Brag Underwear

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I'm Not One To Brag Underwear
I’m not one to brag, but check out my new underwear. Woo-Hoo. It’s got a ruler on it so I can do home improvement in my underwear. Gets sweaty and hot when you’re doing man stuff. Sometimes the cops come when you’re on the roof with a beer and a hammer.

You do know that’s not for measuring stuff when fixing the house right?

Huh? You’re just jealous of my cool new underwear.

It’s for measuring your wing-wang.

*Stops cold.* Really?

Why do you think the cops keep coming? It’s because you keep rubbing your junk against stuff to get measurements. Are you fixing the roof or dry humping it?

Fair enough. Also, I don’t think these are my size, cuz my wing-wang ain’t measuring up.