Tag: kitty

Twinkle Tush: Jewelry For You Cat’s Butt

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twinkle tush
Twinkle Tush. It’s no longer just a crude name shouted at me by construction workers, accompanied by whistles and catcalls. It’s my own fault for sewing bicycle reflectors into the butts of cut-off jeans. Hey, I like to walk at night. Safety first, fashion last. Anyway, Twinkle Tush is also shiny cat jewelry. I’m talkin’ ice. Bling bling. For your cat’s puckered butt-ring.

True to it’s name, it makes your cat’s butt twinkle like a Solid Gold Dancer. Did I date myself with that sentence? In that case, Imma go cuddle myself and have a smoke now. Maybe stroke my hair and whisper, then fall asleep. Was it good for me? It was the best baby.
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Leather Cat Purse

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Leather Cat Purse
Wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I have this expression straight. The cat’s out of the bag. But how can it be, when this Leather Cat Purse clearly shows that the cat IS the bag? Is the bag now out of the cat? No, really, this is messing with my head. I can’t tell if this thing is the cat’s meow or the cat’s pajamas. Is it ketchup or catsup? Now I’m freaking out man! Cat have your tongue? No, but it can hold your lipstick and other stuff.

Anyway, look what the cat dragged in. This awesome purse. Ha ha. It looks like the cat that ate the canary. ha ha. I’m losing it. Losing it. Like a cat on a hot tin roof. I need to go meow.

Creepy Kittens With Crystal Skulls

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Creepy Kittens
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Kitties. In theaters meow! Not really. Hello my little creepers. I saw this trio of terror and I thought of you. Have fun sleeping tonight. The seller calls them abdabs, which coincidentally is my pet name for my ab-flab. These guys are almost as scary.

You would think crystal kittens would have crystal mittens, but nope. Just crystal skulls. So they can telepathically murder us no doubt as their skulls light up. FYI my cat just saw this and lost her sh*t!

What’s that girl? They are an ancient race of slavers and that’s why you guys left your home planet of nip-nip-nibbles-meow-meows(Rough translation) and befriended the Egyptians? To escape them? Hmmmm. Say, how much do you figure you are worth to them? Hypothetically?

Kitty Fluffums no! My eyes!
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CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit

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citi kitty cat toilet training
Your cat wants to be just like you so train that mangie minx to use the toilet with the CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit. Look fluffy, it’s 2015. Why are you still peeing and pooping in a box? And making me clean it? You think that’s funny? Now get on that toilet and drop some bombs. There’s some catnip in it for you if you don’t pee on the seat.

This kit includes a training seat and insert, guide, tip card, and catnip. Tip card? I’m not tipping that cat to do what he should be doing anyway. Here’s a tip: Flush afterwards. And the carpet is not toilet paper.

Decomposing Bunny And Kitty Dishes

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decomposing kitty dishAre you a Gloomy Gus? A Morbid Madge? Well, I would advise changing your name. Who the hell named you? Your mom or the guys that make the Garbage Pail Kids? Well, with a name like that you’ll love these decomposing bunny and kitty dishes. These decomposing bunny and kitty dishes will give you all the rotting with none of the stink.

You also get all of the stuff that helps the decomposition process. Like snails, bugs, mushrooms and fungi. Really? Doesn’t sound like a fun guy to me.

These dishes are educational and will scare your house guests. If you’re like me, that’s important. Sure, stop by. Just make sure you tell me a quick story and get the hell out. I got stuff to do, like trolling forums and criticizing movies that aren’t out yet. Ah, the internet age. It gave my life such meaning.
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