Tag: mens

Wooden Bat Wings Bow Tie

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bat bow tie
Sometimes I invite vampires to dress up and attend my fancy balls. My vampire balls are held strictly for fun of course. In fact I have often heard it said that my Vampire balls are “sweaty, but well formed”, because I do tend to have the heat up, but it is all planned out perfectly. Others say that my Vampire balls are “high and tight” and they are, as we are on the penthouse floor, but in a small side room.

But enough about my great big swinging Vampire balls. If you attend, make sure you wear something like this cool Wooden Bat Wings Bow Tie. If I am impressed, perhaps next year I will put you in charge and then you can hold my Vampire balls for me.

Alien Ties: Dress For Alien Abduction Success

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Alien Ties Dress For Alien Abduction Success
Now we join an alien abduction already in progress…

“Beeble-brix zat-sylum kubri-saq.” Nudges his alien buddy and points at the Alien Tie the victim is wearing.

“Axl-herkl Haw-gab nee-srink!” *LOL* Which translates to, “He worships us. This one deserves extra lube!”

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Dinosaur Ties

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Dinosaur Ties
These Dinosaur Ties are for the sharp dressed man that leaves the office early to go play with plastic dinosaurs. That’s actually how I lost my first job. Which was fine because it led to my second job as an office therapist sorting out stuff like sexual harassment accusations and the like. I got to play with my toys all day.

“Now show me on the dinosaur where the bad man touched you. There? Okay. Do the roar. We roar to heal. Now our dinosaurs fight.” That job didn’t last long either.
Read more “Dinosaur Ties”

Movie Monster Ties

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Movie Monster Ties
These Movie Monster Ties are awesome. Wear ’em and be all fashionably creepy. I would buy one but I would need my mummy’s help putting it on. And she’s no help at all between the arthritis and all of those bandages on her fingers.

I love my mummy though. Of corpse I do. Why wouldn’t I? Confession time: My dad is the Wolfman (Daddy also might be Dracula. We don’t know for sure.) and me and my brother are twins. In the delivery room they called us a creature double feature. Here’s a poem I wrote about my life story.

After we were born mummy became a rummy who smoked too much and called us dummies.

Victorian Skull Cufflinks

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Victorian Skull Cufflinks
Victorian Skull Cufflinks are skulls for your formal attire. Whatever that means. I don’t dress up. Obviously. Put ’em on your cuffs and look creepy and awesome. They don’t have jaws so they won’t give you any jibber-jabber.

I had a pair of cufflinks once. Was on my way to some fancy shindig and trying to get ’em on, when I said to this guy, “Cuff me. Would ya?” So he cuffed me and threw me in the back of the police car. He eventually helped me with my cufflinks and let me off with a warning not to turn myself in like that, followed by “You fat bas*ard.” I agreed and we went our separate ways.
Read more “Victorian Skull Cufflinks”