Tag: morbid decor

The Coffin Mirror

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Coffin Mirror
Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the deadest one of all? Wait. Maybe I don’t want to know. Yeah. Just forget that I asked. Anyway, whose idea was it to decorate this place like a funeral home? I mean, I know it’s dead around here, but geesh.

This Coffin Mirror really puts your mortality in your face. I heard that if you approach the coffin mirror and begin coughing, that probably means your time is just about up. You smash this thing, you’re not getting seven years bad luck, but an undertaker will start following you around. No thanks. I’ll stick with the mirror I have. Which is a good looking dude named Steve, who I met on Craigslist, and pay to stand on the other side of the wall.

It’s For You: Skeleton Hand Phone Lamp

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skeleton phone
Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! It’s for you. Oh, thanks! What the shizz?! This cool Skeleton Hand Phone Lamp will light your home and make it look like a skeleton is picking up the phone for you.

*Calls the repairman* Creepy Phone and Lamp Repair Inc.? Hey, the phone part of my lamp doesn’t work. It never rings.

I’ll come out and look at it.

*Two hours later. Creepy looking Beetlejuice looking guy shows up.*

What do we have here?

The ringer doesn’t work!

Hmmmmm. There’s your problem. The ring finger is broken. I see this all the time. *Puts a ring on it.* Goodbye!

*Calls back* It’s still not working. I can call out, but it never rings.

Okay, hang up. I’ll try the line.

Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg!

It works! It works!

Yeah and I think we know what the problem is now. It’s cuz you have no friends. *Sad silence* Fine! I’ll come over and we can play with your bone-phone loser-lamp.

Monster Teeth Coasters

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Monster Coasters
What the? Damn it grandma, you left your dentures out again. *Canned laughter* My boss is coming over for dinner and those are a dead giveaway that you are really a demon under that moo-moo. That and your demon breath. *More canned laughter* Try a tic-tac. I thought we talked about this.

Well, if you don’t move ’em, I’m using ’em as a nasty monster teeth coaster. At least then they’ll think I just ordered ’em off of Etsy. God those dentures are nasty! Do you even brush those? Oh no! Did you glue that on the table? *Ding-dong!* *Looks at camera shocked as it zooms in.*

This has been another episode of My Favorite Grand-Demon. Only on NBC.
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Taxidermy Fly On A Stick

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taxidermy fly on a stick
Hey, why not? A Taxidermy fly. As if you don’t have enough of them bothering you at picnics and when people leave the door open. GET OFF MY SANDWICH YOU FILTHY FREAK!

This weird fly on a stick comes in a little glass dome. Now you won’t spread your filthy diseases everywhere! You say you would love to be a fly on the wall. Now you can be. Just put a tiny spy mic in this thing and you are a fly on the wall.
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Creepy Kittens With Crystal Skulls

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Creepy Kittens
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Kitties. In theaters meow! Not really. Hello my little creepers. I saw this trio of terror and I thought of you. Have fun sleeping tonight. The seller calls them abdabs, which coincidentally is my pet name for my ab-flab. These guys are almost as scary.

You would think crystal kittens would have crystal mittens, but nope. Just crystal skulls. So they can telepathically murder us no doubt as their skulls light up. FYI my cat just saw this and lost her sh*t!

What’s that girl? They are an ancient race of slavers and that’s why you guys left your home planet of nip-nip-nibbles-meow-meows(Rough translation) and befriended the Egyptians? To escape them? Hmmmm. Say, how much do you figure you are worth to them? Hypothetically?

Kitty Fluffums no! My eyes!
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