Tag: mummified

Mummified Talon Fairy

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mummified fairy
Well damn. That is one ugly little flying freak. I thought fairies were supposed to be beautiful twinkling creatures, trailing pixie dust from their wings and farting sunshine. These guy’s trailing brown crusty dust from his wings and farting real farts that clear the whole fairy tree house out.

Look at this Mummified Talon Fairy holding it’s hands to it’s breasts like, “Don’t hate me because I’m ugly.” Too late. Don’t ugly me and I won’t hate ya.

Wait! That says “Specimen 2948”. How many of these things are there? And do we have enough insecticide to protect ourselves? Nah. Just kidding. I would never do that. But I would clean my sliding glass door to perfection so they fly into it. Then I’d start numbering my own specimens and selling them.
Read more “Mummified Talon Fairy”

Alien Body Mummified Remains

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Alien Body Mummified Remains
Oh man, these Alien Body Mummified Remains are freaky. It’s like Roswell all over again. Looks like Roger from American Dad, only more shriveled and fighting allergies from hell. Unless those puffy eyes are lady-parts. You never know with aliens. I’m gonna bust the government E.T. conspiracy wide open. I’ll set up an old black and white camera and do an autopsy. An alien autopsy. I don’t think that’s ever been done before. Right? What? Oh right. Well, I was in a coma for most of the 90s.

A government induced coma. Because I knew too much about the alien agenda- BRB doorbell.

A man dressed in black just called me Rip Van Winkle and told me to shut my stupid truth-hole unless I want another long nappy time. So I’m out.

Mummified Sorceress Demon

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

fairy mummy skeleton cabinet of curiosity
Nothing to see here. Just your everyday Mummified Sorceress Demon with a snake body. That’s some shizz out of nightmares right there. Not sure if it’s a sorcerer or sorceress. The seller says both. Even after a long talk with Bruce Jenner, he/she can’t figure it out. A dress would certainly de-ugly it some.

Mummified sorcerer on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? No, it isn’t you, so don’t even say it. We both know that isn’t true.

The seller says that this thing kills fairies and can also be dangerous to humans.

His skin oozes a powerful venom and it is also equipped with a DART! It has 2 pairs of arms which one that can turn into wings if necessary.

Whatevs. My skin oozes powerful BO and I got lawn darts. Dude, you are nasty looking.

Mummified Mouse In A Pocket Watch

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

taxidermy mouse pocket watch
Check it out mouseketeers. It’s a genuine Mummified Mouse In A Pocket Watch, all floating there like a rodent Timelord, cranking up the gears of time, like he’s riding some rat bike into infinity and beyond. He’s probably playing the Doctor Who music in his head, squinting as he concentrates his mind powers.

Back…Back…Time…Space…Back to a time before Justin Bieber and Jar Jar Binks. Then when his little gears and levers reach 88 miles per hour this watch burns a hole in some hipster’s pocket and the mouse is off to put right what once went wrong. Hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

*Blue energy everywhere. Pew pew! Crackle! Flash!* Cue Quantum Leap music.

OH BOY!
Read more “Mummified Mouse In A Pocket Watch”

Mummified Baby Bird Feeder

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mummified baby bird feeder
Damn that’s nasty! Don’t have a mummified corpse to put in your yard so that birds and squirrels can feed from it’s dead body? No problem. Etsy seller AutumnsOddities has you covered. Your yard animals will love this Mummified Baby Bird Feeder.

Basically it makes it look like you left your kid permanently unattended in your yard until little Bobby or Susie has become squirrel food. Just fill it up with bird seed and then watch nature do it’s nasty thing. Just remember, they’ll be pecking at you next while you try to sip some lemonade in the backyard.
Read more “Mummified Baby Bird Feeder”