Tag: novelty

Dinosaur Ties

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Dinosaur Ties
These Dinosaur Ties are for the sharp dressed man that leaves the office early to go play with plastic dinosaurs. That’s actually how I lost my first job. Which was fine because it led to my second job as an office therapist sorting out stuff like sexual harassment accusations and the like. I got to play with my toys all day.

“Now show me on the dinosaur where the bad man touched you. There? Okay. Do the roar. We roar to heal. Now our dinosaurs fight.” That job didn’t last long either.
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Bandage Sticky Notes

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Bandage Sticky Notes
I am stuck on band aid brand cos band aid’s stuck on me! Leave a message that will get people’s attention. No one gives a s**t when they see your stupid little post-it note. Bandages get people’s attention. That’s why i use these Bandage Sticky Notes. I’ll write stuff like:

“If ya find this note fab, I’ll show you my scab. I pick it all day, and all through the night. It’s now an infection, and it’s on my er*ction. PS Can you pick me up from the ER? Thanks”
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Raven Ring

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Raven Ring
*gets down on one knee. Pulls out the trusty old Raven Ring and presents it.* Nevermore!

Nevermore? What do you mean nevermore? You’ve never been more embarrassed? You’ve never been more disgusted at the prospect of a long life with me?

Nevermore!

Just take the ring. Do you have any idea how much this bird’s head cost me? You don’t love me?

Nevermore!

Screw it. That’s the last time I practice my Edgar Allen Proposal to a bird!
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Weird Garbage Pail Kids Scenes

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Weird Garbage Pail Kids Scenes
Etsy seller Youmadewhat sells all kinds of little dioramas in plastic boxes, including these Garbage Pail Kids scenes. Too bad there’s no woman who will ever have kids with me. I would name them GPK names. Stuff like Ivana Suckyourblood or Grease Witherspoon. Maybe even Bruce Jender-Bender. Cleveland Steamer? Dim and Dough Kardashian?

But alas, I’m doomed to endless nights of Netflix binge watching and waking up with a sugar coma next to a Ben and Jerrys pyramid so perfect I blame ancient aliens. Whatevs. I got you guys right? Right? Guys? *sigh*
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Bear Sleeping Bag

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Bear Sleeping Bag
Check out this awesome bear sleeping bag. Mr bear says, “Get in ma belly!” and I’m like, “Uh. Okay.” Rumor is that it feels mighty nice to be slowly digested in a belly like that. How to get out once you’ve had a good night’s sleep. That’s the problem. That’s why that woman is sticking her arm out of the mouth. This thing is like a bear sarcophagus. No, not a bare sarcophagus. Bare means empty. That’s not what I- Oh forget it.

Me and bears have tons in common like that. First off we each weigh a ton. We’re big boned that’s all. We both love honey. And we both growl and crawl around on all fours being grumpy until you feed us. I am bear, hear me roar! *Roars mightily for 2 seconds and starts choking.*
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