Author: Artemis Winterford

Sumo Wrestler Notepad

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Sumo Wrestler Notepad
My wife pointed these Sumo Wrestler Notepads out to me. I quote, “If I leave a note for your lard ass on a notepad that has another lard ass on it, maybe you’ll actually notice and do your chores.”

Yeah well. You’re a lard ass!

Real original! Fatso. Remember that time you sat on your iPhone and turned it into an iPad?

Whatevs. Saw a Sci-Fi movie the other night. It starred Jane Fonda as you. Carb-arella!

F you! Rememember that time you sued Xbox 360 for guessing your weight?

They had a camera. I nearly won that case! Anyway, you’re so fat, you leave the house in high heels and come back in flip-flops.

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

I think so even though you are a disgusting blob!

Good. Get to the bedroom you fat f**k. It’s Sumo time!

Realistic Anatomic Skeleton Model

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skeleton model
This Realistic Anatomic Skeleton Model is my new best buddy. We are gonna have all kinds of adventures together. He’s a wisecracking loose cannon, while I’m two weeks away from retirement. We’ll hang out all day and tell skeleton jokes and stuff. Bust bad guys. I’ll call him Helter Skelter and I’ll keep him in a fallout shelter. Man, life is sweet. Until they kill my partner.

*Holding Helter Skelter in my arms* I told you to wear a vest! *tears* They knew just where to hit you. *sniff* Because you taught them. *sobbing* You God Damn anatomy model. You taught ’em! And they used that knowledge against you. *wailing. Clenching Helter Skelter tight.*

Promise me one thing pal.

*Crying* Anything buddy. *Sniff* Anything.

Study me like they did. Then use it against them. *cough* Let knowledge be your weapon. *Cough* One last joke friend. *Wheeze* Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

*whispers* No body.

*Skeleton turns to dust* Noooooooooooooo!
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Creepy And Colorful Toy Sculptures

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Creepy And Colorful Toy Sculptures
Check out these cool toy sculptures by Seymour. They’re all trippy and freaky and scary like. This is like the land of Adventure Time only with more magic mushrooms. Or demonic Garbage Pail Kids from another dimension.

I like that hamburger dude wearing his brains on his crotch area. I can relate. I’m told that I think with my crotch all the time. I should probably send my crotch to college and better it. Get it a degree. Maybe Ivy league. Nah, Ivy would make my crotch itch. Anyway, I’m calling this guy “Purple Nerd Burger”. Check out some even trippier sculptures below. I gotta go. I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.yeah. yeah. oh yeahhhhh!
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Art Painted By A Squirrel

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art painted by a squirrel
This is a supposed painting by a squirrel name Winklehimer. You can check out a video here, but you won’t see it paint a picture. You’ll just see a squirrel nibble on the end of a brush while it’s desperate human tries to cash in on the fact that it can “paint”. I hate to prolong her 15 minutes of fame, but credit where credit is due: It’s better than I can do.

My wife gets me to paint in the same way. She puts a twinkie on the end of the brush and holds a paper up to the brush end while I nibble away. No way I’m letting her profit off my art though. That’s why all my art says, “Get more twinkies!” in bold brushstrokes.

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach…A squirrel to not do art.
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Monster Inspired Dresses

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monster inspired dresses
Check out these Monster Inspired Dresses fit for any Bridezilla. The seller has dresses inspired by Frankenstein, Vampires, Zombies and more.

The only dresses they don’t have are ones inspired by my almost-wife. Of course how do you capture a woman approaching the altar screaming and crying at the same time? How do you capture the running out of the church in high heels, not once but several times as she loads up the car with gifts and then drives off, flipping me the finger. I don’t think any dress could capture the scene.

Apparently marrying me cures blindness. Which also cures them of marrying me.
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