Author: Artemis Winterford

Bones The English Butler

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bones english butler
Bones The English Butler apparently doesn’t know how to wear pants that fit. Or shoes. But he’s a good servant. He puts up with a lot.

“Bones, come here. I need you!”

“How may I be of help sir?”

“You can start by wearing a proper shirt that will cover your ribs. There’s a good man. And for good sake’s chap, must your free hand always be in the position of catching a high five from behind, while it is down low because I’m too slow? Straighten up and get me a brandy so I can stand the sight of you. And get that murder out of your eye sockets.”

“Death sir…”

“What was that?”

“Yes sir!”

“Quite. Quite.”

Weird Crawling Alien Figure

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Creepy alien figure
This Weird Crawling Alien Figure is creepy. It’s crawly. It has some sort of fetuses trailing along behind it. Or possibly alien poopy. Maybe both. He probably had Mexican for lunch, which everyone knows, gives humans diarrhea. It does the same for alien males, while also inducing birth.

Which explains why he is crawling around in agony, his guts all in a twist, dropping Cleveland steamers along with his babies. My god the smell! But also the miracle of life. Should we be sickened or joyful? Somewhere Jesus is smiling down over this stinky sulphur smelling miracle of life. I imagine the last kid being pushed out with one last massive fart that hits the alien right in the face, making him pass out. It is now time for the young to feast on their father. By now even Jesus is like WTF and you can tell he’s trying not to hurl. He changes the channel.

This Magma Neckpiece Looks Lava-ly

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magna necklace
This Magma Neckpiece is hot. Scorching. Women look lava-ly in magma. You make me blow my top girl! Guys, do yourself a favor and buy this for your lady. Don’t be cheap like me. *Flashes back to two years ago*

……

What is my surprise?

Just keep your blindfold on. It’s almost ready.

I’m so excited. What is it?

Well, you remember how you wanted that magma neckpiece? I made you one myself. Open your eyes.

Uh…This is like a drippy plastic melted candle…

Yeah, I opened a couple of lava lamps and dumped it on a mannequin head. Then cut the head off to make the hole. You’re welcome.

It feels hot still. Why is my shirt smoking.

Why indeed? Where did it pick up that habit? From a nun? Heh. I crack myself- Ow! I’ll grab the fire extinguisher.

Teeth Crayons

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Teeth Crayons
You get older you lose your teeth. Or as my grandmother says, “You get older you lose your teef!” But that doesn’t mean you can’t get a new pair that you can color with. I’mma put these teeth crayons in my mouth, grab a coloring book and start biting as I move the page accordingly. If my printer can do it, I can do it. It’s how I eat stuff anyway. I’m like an old typewriter. *Nibble nibble nibble. Ding! Moves food back into position and repeats. Looks at the pile of crumbs at my feet. Tosses empty corn cob.*

Just gotta practice keeping the colors between the lines. *Holds up tattered and torn coloring book page.* Not bad. Too bad everything tastes like Crayola now.

Notebook Paper Necktie. College Ruled.

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Notebook Paper Necktie. College Ruled.
Sweet! A Notebook Paper Necktie. I don’t wear a tie, mostly because no one would hire me and even if they did, I would only use it as a napkin at lunch, then lick the stains off like a cat. If I knew how to tie one, which I don’t. But it would be so sweet to wear this with a grocery list on it or instructions on how to tie it.

Maybe write that 100 word piece of fan-fiction I’ve been meaning to write. Pikachu and Darth Vader ain’t gonna romance themselves, while Rainbow Dash looks on with tears.