Author: Artemis Winterford

Nicolas Cage Meme iPhone Cases

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nicolas cage i phone case
Your iPhone is a powerful device, even if they do keep “upgrading” it every year and giving you the bare minimum in new features for a sweet high price. See, that right there is why I use a flip phone. Well, your crazy expensive phone is about to get even more powerful. Unlock the power of Nicolas Cage and let him hug your phone with his dead unblinking eyes, like the Shakespearean acting sloth that he is. Your smartphone will never be the same.

Choose from Pepperoni Pizza face Cage, Mona Lisa Cage, Illuminati Cage, Our Lord Cage, Astronaut Cage and Renaissance Woman Cage. Get all the Nic Cages. You gotta catch ’em all!
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Bad Parenting Cards

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bad parenting cards
These “bad parenting” cards from Etsy seller DorkyDutch confuse me. Are they saying that my parents were terrible? Tell me something I don’t know. You know what they say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. My parents believed in, “Get the damn rod, junior’s acting up again. That’ll teach you to put the remote 2 inches off center”.

Dad was slightly OCD. Every time I screamed, he had to start over from the beginning and take a drink between each whack, while counting “One Mississippi, two Mississippi”, while blowing his nose. Good times. Dad was right, cuz I ain’t spoiled. Still sore 30 years later, with a permanent dent in my butt cheeks and emotionally scarred for life, but not spoiled.

Dad would love these cards. Maybe I’ll send him one for his birthday. It’s sure to bring back all kinds of warm and fuzzy memories. These cards offer questionable parenting scenes, like stitching your kids lips together if he snitches, or chopping his hands off if he steals. Thank God I turned out alright and so well adjusted.

Bad sock hand puppet. You ended the article before I was done. Time to face the stick. Stop squirming. One Mississippi…
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Adventure Time Pocket Plush Toys

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adventure time plush
They had me at Adventure Time, but when they told me to grab a friend, I have to admit I came up with nothin’. So I grabbed my cat and we sat through the first 4 seasons. Man that show is whacked. Fist/Paw bump! Ow! Claw me to shreds much? It’s cool, homies take care of homies. Forever!

These Adventure Time Pocket Plush Toys are plush. They fit in your pocket. Basically it’s an excuse to wear a bunch of extra pockets so each can have a home on my body. Otherwise known as the land of Ewww! All of you plushes can shut your plush hole. I’ll put deodorant on when I’m good and ready!

The seller has all kinds of cute little plushes, but I ran out of pockets after my mom sewed the 9th one on my T-shirt. Now I look like the Hollywood Squares, plush edition. Shut up Lemongrab! The answer to every question is not “Unacceptable!”
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This Bloody Pillow Is Bloody Soft

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bloody pillow
Use this Bloody Pillow to prank your friends into thinking they are walking into a murder scene, because nothing says friendship like simulating murder and pretending to be a corpse lying in your own blood. I’m not judging. Different strokes for different folks.

I’m gonna buy it because it’s soft and comfy, not because it makes it look like I am bleeding from the head. If anyone happens to see me napping and call the cops, it wouldn’t be the first time. Of course last time it was because I just overdosed on red skittles and tomato juice while at the beach. Odd combination? Sure, but you gotta get your daily intake of vegetables in somehow. I had been drooling for like two hours. I vaguely remember Greenpeace saying they had never seen a whale so grotesque, but after that I blacked out.

YouTube Photo Prop

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youtube photo prop
Hot damn! This YouTube photo prop turns real life into a YouTube video. It’s also perfect for those folks who are still on dial-up. I’m looking at you Kentucky. Some folks will just never know the joy of a YouTube video.

I’m gonna use this to re-enact my favorite youtube videos in real life. Maybe make my cat put on a show. Stay in the frame Fluffy! Take two! I’m not feeling your grumpiness. Maybe if I take your wet food away for like a week you’ll be able to channel your inner grumpiness. Oh Jesus, can we get a cleanup here? Some of these divas think the whole world is their litterbox! We’re breaking for lunch. If I see any wet lunch anywhere on set, I’m throwing out laser toys and catnip!