Author: Artemis Winterford

Bookends That Attack

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bookends
You can’t have books without having some bookends to keep them all organized. Unless you are me and you use canned vegetables, because you’re cheap. What else am I gonna do, eat ’em? Anyway, if I eat that can of corn, my entire Game of Thrones book series is going to fall. Not that I read it. TV made it so I don’t have to read it. Anyway, did you know those books are like 500 pages? And they don’t even have a single picture of a dragon inside?

Anyway these awesome bookends from KnobCreekMetalArts all feature various attacks, with your books caught in the middle. Everything from tentacles attacking pirate ships, to dinosaurs trying to eat people, to aliens abducting people. Who needs to read the books when the bookends are so exciting?

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Tiny Mermaid Skeleton Model Kit

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mermaid bones
Mermaids are the sexiest thing in the sea. In or out of holographic bodysuits. And This trio must be the super model variety. They are all skin and bones. Which is probably why they don’t do a thing for my rusty barnacle. I would have totally thrown them my dingy when they were still buxom and wet though.

Etsy seller Tinysaurs makes all kinds of cool skeletal model kits. You can get cool dinosaurs like this T-Rex, this Plesiosaur and many more. Build them and display them and wonder at mother nature. Then be scared s**tless that we are all just a sack of bones.
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Trapeze Family Clothes Pins: The Amazing Pegzini Family

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trapeze family clothes pins
Now you can be part of a heart-pounding show every time you dry your clothes. You will marvel at the death defying antics. You will be astounded by the acrobatics. You will be- Pretty damn tired from doing laundry all day. But at least you can enjoy these fun trapeze family clothing pins on your clothes line.

These guys are good. Normally I just paint happy faces on my plain wooden clothes pins, but it’s a sausage-fest cuz they are all men. You can’t draw boobs on narrow clothes pins.

Anyway, sorry Pegzini family, your career is all downhill on my clothesline. No really. My size 50 jeans alone really make it sag. Once you were acrobats, now you are just downhill racers.
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David Bowie Hanging Mobile: For Bowie Babies

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david bowie mobile
It’s never too early to introduce your baby to the genius that is David Bowie. The best way to do so is with this David Bowie Hanging Mobile. You and your baby can be heroes. Just for one day.

If you bought the photo of David Bowie getting arrested, you could hang that up in the nursery too. Your kid will be listening to Ziggy Stardust in no time and will grow up to become a real Space Oddity.
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This Belt Buckle Will Take A Bullet For You

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bullet belt buckle
Pew! Pew! Pew! You missed me! Thank God I have my bullet belt buckle to catch lead. This is the biggest, baddest, rootin’ tootin’est, Texas, Remember the Alamo, give me liberty or give me death belt buckle ever to hold a man’s drawers in place. Yee-Haw!

This piece of redneck royalty-wear is $99. Can I get a hundred dolla holla?

Holllllllla!

Sold! To the man with the ten gallon hat and the 40 gallon waistline.