Author: Artemis Winterford

These Vintage Doll Planters Are Totally Creepy

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

creepy doll planter
Is that a Cthulhu parasite hatching out of that doll’s head? Nah. Well maybe. It’s a plant. And it’s a good reminder that plants can kill. These terrifying planters come from Etsy seller EarthSeaWarrior, who likes to make creepy things protrude from bodies.

You can find all kinds of creeptastic doll planters in their shop. I hope they use a life-sized mannequin next just so I can call it Mannequin 2: Electric Boogaloo With Cthulu. Check out some bonus shots below of a headless flapper with a Cthulhu-Rhoid and a poo faced doll baby sucking it’s own tentacles.
Read more “These Vintage Doll Planters Are Totally Creepy”

The Booger Bin Lets You Pick And Save

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

booger bin
Boogers. You can’t pick just one. And you can’t just flick them against the wall, because before you know it, you’ll have a snot sculpture there after a few months. You can only wipe so many on the cat too, before your wife thinks the cat has a deadly cold and takes it to the vet, where they charge you like $400 to determine that the snot is human. All they had to do was friggin’ ask.

Anyway, this booger bin will keep your nozzle nuggets all in one place. It’s a bin. For boogers. If you can fill one of these up, you have some serious health problems.
Read more “The Booger Bin Lets You Pick And Save”

Mr. Predator Action Figure

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

predator action figure
This Mr. Predator action figure would be loads of fun. You could use your other action figures and play out all kinds of real world situations. Things that might happen to “Mr. Predator”.

Hello Mr. Predator. Thank you for coming to the job interview. I see here you are skilled at hunting and setting off nuclear weapons in the jungle. Can’t see through mud though. Hmmm. That might be a problem here seeing as how this pottery factory makes goods from clay. With a face like that you should be opening metal cans for a living. Ha ha ha.

The interview always ends with Mr. Predator removing the guy’s spine and tucking it in his briefcase, before adjusting his tie and walking out the door.
Read more “Mr. Predator Action Figure”

Orna-Meat: Meat Christmas Ornaments

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

meat ornamentsThese meat ornaments will look good on my tree this year. There’s nothing like a tree full of steaks to get a jolly fat man to leave you more gifts. It worked for me last year. I got a Christmas miracle. Sort of.

Last year I threw all kinds of meat on my tree, steaks, fish, lunch meat, I even made a star out of hot dogs and rubber bands. I just knew that tubby old elf couldn’t resist. I lay in bed that night listening to the noise of Santa rummaging around and bumping into stuff. He hissed several times and even broke some of my knick knacks.

In the morning my sleepy eyes awakened to the magic day. I went out to the tree..The damn cats had attacked the tree like furry piranha. They were still gorging themselves. The Christmas miracle under my tree was a ring of cat s**t all the way around. Another ring of cat vomit around that.

Meat. It would have worked if not for those damned cats!

Epic Little Trees: Bob Ross IS Thor

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

epic bob rossYou want some happy trees? You want some pretty clouds? Bob Ross has channeled the power of Thor and is here to lay the smack down on any blank canvas that gets in his way. That’s why they call him Bob “the hammer” Ross.

Right now he’s in PBS heaven with Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo, where they are trying to form an Avengers team, but Fred Rogers refuses to hulk the f**k out and Julia Child isn’t all that sexy as Black Widow. They’re working on it. They may have to come down to Earth and recruit Bob Villa to make some crazy armor suit out of old run-down homes.

Thanks for the tip Sarah. As soon as they form a team, you’ll be working the phones at the pledge drive right? I want a cheap tote with a logo on it.