Author: Artemis Winterford

Alien Slave Sculptural Side Table

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alien side tableIt is going to be so awesome having my own alien slave side table. It can hold drinks and serve me all of my meals.

Bring me a steak spaceman!

Yes master, how do you want it done? Rare? Well done? Medium well?

Not medium well, you idiot! I’ll have it done ros-well. This time try to be discreet. Cow mutilations are in the news again. Wait a minute! This report says that only the rectum and sex organs were missing. If my steak tastes like cow butt and scrotum E.T will be phoning home with two black eyes.

I already have those master.

Why you smart-mouthed little- *Strangles alien neck like Homer does to Bart*

The Skull Chair Awaits It’s Next Victim

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skull chairWhat manner of skulduggery is this? You mean this is a skull that I can actually sit in? I think those teeth might hurt my butt. That guy looks pretty comfortable though. He’s just chilling, reading the sales circulars. He looks so relaxed he appears to be on the verge of dropping a Cleveland Steamer, but he forgot to take those mailman shorts off. That’s gonna be messy.

Okay. Looks comfy. I’ll take one. And I promise not to get so relaxed that I poop myself. It doesn’t have a tongue right? I’m not playing some weird fanny tickle game with my furniture.
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Keep It Classy With Black Toilet Paper

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black toliet paperBlack Toilet paper. You gotta keep things classy on the can. Brown on white is so low class. Brown on black? That s**t is classy as f**k! If your establishment doesn’t have black toilet paper and I need to take a massive after my evening meal in your fancy restaurant, I’m just gonna rip the waiters tie off and take it with me.

Nothing but the best for me. Besides, silk is so smooth and soft. Plus you charged me out the ass, so the ass strikes back. I would call a plumber too. I lost like 20 pounds in there. Screw Jenny Craig!

KFC + DIY = WTF: Chicken Bone Necklace

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Chicken Bone Necklace This chicken bone necklace is the perfect gift from any Fred Flintstone to their Wilma. Those are KFC bones. I recognize them because they look just like the ones thrown all over my apartment. Minus the ants all drowning in grease and 11 secret herbs and spices, of course.

I really need to learn to cook for myself. And clean.
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Nicolas Cage As Pokemon – Cage Them All: Starter Pack

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Nicolas Cage As PokemonEtsy seller jbellzamyy is a Pokemon Master. Don’t believe me? Go to the Etsy shop and see for yourself. The seller has caught every Nicolas Cage Pokemon imaginable and now you can collect them all and get seizures from the cartoon or whatever it is you kids do.

There are all kinds of Cage Pokemon available. Gotta Cage them all. Here is a sweet deal on a starter pack. Get some of these and soon you’ll be trading them with your friends and stealing from your mom’s purse to feed your crazy nerd habit.