Category: Just Plain Weird

Haunted Candle Set

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haunted candles
I hate these haunted candles. I always wind up in a staring contest with them, which only ends when the wax melts down and burns their eyeballs. Or mine. I guess I shouldn’t stand so close. Some people never learn.*Checks my scalp burns on my bald head. Hey I have some stubble now. Cool.*

Look at how surprised they look that their head is on fire. That’s the same face I made. That’s also the face I’m making right now. Prairie-doggin’ it something fierce. I’m out guys. I’ll probably make that face one more time when I discover we are out of toilet paper. Yep. Just happened.
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Halloween Spell Books

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Halloween Spell Books
Ohhhhhh. Halloween Spell Books from HauntedMoonEmporium. I hope they have something that turns Necco Wafers into Kit-Kats cuz that really pisses me off. Reminds me of that one Halloween when I found a spell book by a hot cauldron and a pile of ashes with a witch hat on top. I remember it well:

*Re-reads the page.* Okay, it says to lay my hand flat and put a tootsie roll on each finger and on my palm. Alacashizz. Alacashat. By moonlight, by moonlight. The bat took a crap! *Blinding flash of light* Da fuq? *Turns my new tootsie roll hand around and inspects it.*

I was stuck with that damn candy hand for 2 years! Okay, I lied. It only lasted for like a week, cuz I kept sucking on it. Then my hand grew back. Witches. Who writes spells like that? Probably that weird homeless lady with the mole on her nose, who keeps stalking me and licking at her fingers. Something tells me our paths will cross again.
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Monster Teeth Coasters

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Monster Coasters
What the? Damn it grandma, you left your dentures out again. *Canned laughter* My boss is coming over for dinner and those are a dead giveaway that you are really a demon under that moo-moo. That and your demon breath. *More canned laughter* Try a tic-tac. I thought we talked about this.

Well, if you don’t move ’em, I’m using ’em as a nasty monster teeth coaster. At least then they’ll think I just ordered ’em off of Etsy. God those dentures are nasty! Do you even brush those? Oh no! Did you glue that on the table? *Ding-dong!* *Looks at camera shocked as it zooms in.*

This has been another episode of My Favorite Grand-Demon. Only on NBC.
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Mushion Pillows: Now You Can Sit On Your Own Face

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Mushion Pillows
I hear ya. What the hell is a Mushion? Right? Sounds like a cushion made out of mush. Close. It’s a picture of your face blown up and made into a pillow. Mushion Pillows will let you sit on your own face. Or someone else’s. You can also make a pillow of someone else’s face and practice kissing it for like an hour until your mom barges in, sees you tonguing the pillow and starts crying, asking where she went wrong. It’s happened to all of us right? I mean, not me. Just sayin’.

I would use it as a voodoo type pillow and fart in the faces of my enemies, hoping that they smell my farts wherever they are.
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Rotten Roses Have Teeth And Eyes

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Rotten Roses Have Teeth And Eyes
These Roses don’t have thorns, but they do have teeth and eyes. So they can see you and can bite you. This is why I don’t garden people. Well, that and did you know that gardens are full of bugs? Yuck. These murderous roses make a great gift for anyone who wants a gruesome garden.

Rotten Rose was a truck-stop floozy,
She’d treat ya right if ya could get her boozy.

I’ll just stop there.
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