*gets down on one knee. Pulls out the trusty old Raven Ring and presents it.* Nevermore!
Nevermore? What do you mean nevermore? You’ve never been more embarrassed? You’ve never been more disgusted at the prospect of a long life with me?
Nevermore!
Just take the ring. Do you have any idea how much this bird’s head cost me? You don’t love me?
Nevermore!
Screw it. That’s the last time I practice my Edgar Allen Proposal to a bird!
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Check out this awesome bear sleeping bag. Mr bear says, “Get in ma belly!” and I’m like, “Uh. Okay.” Rumor is that it feels mighty nice to be slowly digested in a belly like that. How to get out once you’ve had a good night’s sleep. That’s the problem. That’s why that woman is sticking her arm out of the mouth. This thing is like a bear sarcophagus. No, not a bare sarcophagus. Bare means empty. That’s not what I- Oh forget it.
Me and bears have tons in common like that. First off we each weigh a ton. We’re big boned that’s all. We both love honey. And we both growl and crawl around on all fours being grumpy until you feed us. I am bear, hear me roar! *Roars mightily for 2 seconds and starts choking.*
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I don’t know what’s up with me today. I’m all eyes and fingers. That’s what this guy is saying. This weird wall sculpture would make a perfect coat rack or key holder.
Just ordered one. When it gets here, I’m gonna attach him to my fly and walk around the mall. If I’m still a free man after a few hours, I’m gonna go home and put him on the back of my chair and force him to massage me. There’s a good pair of monster hands.
This Gold Shark Toilet Flush Handle should be given out as an award to those who have logged the most time on the throne. Ha. Logged. I crack myself up. If you consider the toilet worthy of decoration, get yourself a gold shark. Man, I gotta get one someday. You know you’ve made it when you have a gold shark on the sh***er.
Like they say at the end of French movies….
Fin!
GrotesqueStatuettes sells these Freaky Monsters In Cages. Well, where else ya gonna put ’em? Cages and monsters go together like…monsters and cages.
It helps to keep ’em all locked up and only being gross in one place. Kinda like what a good buffet does for me. Damn mutants! Also helps so we can throw stuff at ’em and not get bitten. Keep your ugly to yourself freak-o!
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