Tag: decoration

Zombie Foot Toe Monster

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Zombie Foot Toe Monster
Holy ingrown toenail horn. That is gonna require some tough actin tinactin! This Zombie Foot Toe Monster knows the thrill of victory, but also the agony of de-feet! What the hell is it even doing there in the garden? Demanding a foot rub? If I gave in, I would have to scrub my hands clean with fire afterward. But I’m not. I’m not giving in. Not unless you rub mine first.

*Takes off my sock and a thick green vapor like a stinky cheese genie escapes. The plants instantly wilt and decay. Zombie foot freak scurries away choking* Looks like you have met your match Zombie foot. Sucks though. Was looking forward to a foot rub.
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Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper

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Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper
Damn that’s nasty. This Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper makes it look like a shark has swam up your bathtub pipe after a ferocious and bloody meal and just kinda got stuck there. Now he’s just hanging out, enjoying the suds from your bubbles, while you two make small talk. Hopefully he doesn’t get loose and start swimming toward your junk.

“What do you have detective?”

*Hovers over body in tub* “This is the second one this week. We appear to have a serial killer. One that likes to eviscerate nads while the victim is enjoying a nice bubble bath. Nothing else is touched. When he finishes his work, he drains the water and with it the evidence. Notice the blood wiped on this guy’s lips. It’s as if something very small and very bloody kissed him afterwards, all ritualistic like. Sicko!”

Fin!
(Haha. Get it? It means the end. Also shark fin! I rock. No…. I Rock Z. Ha ha. I did it again. Like the car. Iroc Z. Other writers can suck it!)

Alien Egg Night Light

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Alien Egg Night Light
I’m putting this Alien Egg Night Light in the bathroom so that the next time someone enters after me and says, “What the hell? Did you lay an Alien egg in there?” I can say yes. Yes I did. Enjoy it’s exotic glow mingled with the delicate yet putrid notes of my own natural scents.

This alien egg is pretty terrifying, but pretty cool. It’s where the Xenomorphs and facehuggers come from. They used to call me a facehugger too cause if I don’t like you or if you’re invading my space, my hand goes straight for the face and I don’t let go. No matter how much you lick at my palm. People think I’m all aggro and freaky, but really I’m just practicing the Vulcan mind meld. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. You just end up with a bunch of friends with dents in their face that match your fingers. They never showed that part in your precious Star Trek. You live, ya learn.
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Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes

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Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes
Make everyday Oktoberfest with these Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes in your garden. No one knows how to party like Oktoberfest Skeleton Gnomes. This pair may look cool and decomposed, but they turn it up to 11.

They raise their frothy mugs year round and look like they are about to fling some choice curse words at your neighbors. With these guys the party may be dead, but it goes on forever.

The Great Garden Gnome Massacre

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T Rex Garden Gnome Massacre
Make your garden a living hell for all gnome-kind. The Great Garden Gnome Massacre begins with Gnomezilla in your yard. No elf or gnome is safe. Gnomezilla is hungry for blood, so let him feast on your tacky garden ornaments. Satiate his hunger and he will look out for your garden.

*Neighbor comes outside. Hands on hips. Rolling her head with every word.* Oh Gnome you dit’int. You did not just call my garden ornaments tacky. Oh it’s on now!

I just put Gnomezilla in her garden. Wait until she sees all of the carnage. Yes. It is on. *Steeples fingers and laughs maniacally.*
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