This Jabba the Hutt Necklace is for all of you ladies who don’t have a fat slug weighing them down in real-life. You know, some slob playing the PS4 all day or playing with action figures while you go out and earn a living. Obviously my wife doesn’t need this. She has her own.
*Pops a toad in my mouth and yanks her closer on her chain for a kiss. Gets strangled.* I guess playing with my Rancor is out of the question?
Behold the mighty Mirrorman! His super power? Reflecting every got-damnned thing with his suit. He is the ultimate “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you throw bounces off me and sticks to you!” superhero. Light. Check. Images. Check. Hammer. Oh man, sorry about that dude. How many tiny mirrors you got on that suit? About 1000? What’s a 1000 times 7? Oh poopy! That is A LOT of bad luck!
That suit is like a black hole of bad luck just waiting to happen. Of course it was me. Why in the HELL would you walk around with that thing? That is irresponsible on like a cosmic level! You can’t just give out that kind of atomic bomb luck!
Oh hell! Just stepped on a nail. Whew! That was close. Shoe stopped it. Anyway- *Gets hit by a football, which bounces onto a nearby car going 80. Car swerves. Hits me into Mirrorman, who cuts me like a million times and gives even more bad luck. Plus, I gotta pay for that suit now!* WTF?
Check out another suit below. Screw this guy!
Read more “Mirrorman Suits”
Brains! Brains! The magical bowls.
Zombies eat ’em to get their lols.
Buy some today, be a good consumer,
Send yours back if it has a tumor.
Drop ’em and watch them shatter,
Lining your kitchen with Fruity Pebbles and grey matter.
These brain bowls are awesome, but they’re going to attract all of the neighborhood zombies for sure. No! Bad Zombie. You can have the Lucky Charms I poured you, but don’t eat the bowl. No. No! Don’t make me get the spray bottle.
Read more “Brain Bowls: It’s All Brain Food Now”
One, two, Freddy’s got a new shoe. Three, Four, his ankles are sore. Well, when you see Freddy in dreams you’re bound to see him wearing everything at some point. The last time I saw Freddy he was wearing a cow-print moo-moo over a bikini. Dreams are messed up! He knows what I like. I’ll say that.
These Freddy Krueger High Heels will let you walk all over Freddy. Literally. They have melted Freddy flesh in front, the stripes from his sweater and claws in the back. They are probably cushioned with the soles of his victims. Soles. Heh. I know what you’re thinking. What the heel kinda joke is that? Just a little something I cobbled together. Shoe humor. Don’t judge me. At least not until…
Get it? Who gets it? I am a friggin’ rock star. The guy outside 7-11 was right. These meds really work. Just found my new doctor!
Read more “Freddy Krueger High Heels”
These “bad parenting” cards from Etsy seller DorkyDutch confuse me. Are they saying that my parents were terrible? Tell me something I don’t know. You know what they say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. My parents believed in, “Get the damn rod, junior’s acting up again. That’ll teach you to put the remote 2 inches off center”.
Dad was slightly OCD. Every time I screamed, he had to start over from the beginning and take a drink between each whack, while counting “One Mississippi, two Mississippi”, while blowing his nose. Good times. Dad was right, cuz I ain’t spoiled. Still sore 30 years later, with a permanent dent in my butt cheeks and emotionally scarred for life, but not spoiled.
Dad would love these cards. Maybe I’ll send him one for his birthday. It’s sure to bring back all kinds of warm and fuzzy memories. These cards offer questionable parenting scenes, like stitching your kids lips together if he snitches, or chopping his hands off if he steals. Thank God I turned out alright and so well adjusted.
Bad sock hand puppet. You ended the article before I was done. Time to face the stick. Stop squirming. One Mississippi…
Read more “Bad Parenting Cards”