Fast Food Nightmare Painting

omgwtfgmoDamn. This painting titled “Fast Food Nightmare 3” is scary as hell because it’s like one of those horror movies that’s based on a true story. Let’s see if I can decode this work of art.

Basically, Ronald McDonald is feeding some GMO corn to the Taco Bell dog, who naturally has explosive diarrhea and poops on the clown prince of crime’s oversized shoe. Burger King is all like, “my thumbs are tied. I can neither help with the cleanup or serve it up as a whopper. But can you save it for me?” Then Wendy is all like, “He he. I’m evil with a cute face.” Jack in the box looks on like an illuminati master, waiting, calculating. Seeing how it all plays out. Meanwhile, it must be the blindfolded customer’s first time dining in hell, because she’s not obscenely obese. Also, she has no arms with which to choke Colonel Sander’s chicken.

Weird Face Candles

face candleThese weird face candles are freaking me out. They aren’t even face candles. They lack full faces. One is just a mouth that looks like the guy is grimacing after seeing something scary. The other is just a pair of ears. They all look pretty freaky all stacked up in a pyramid as seen in the pic below. They probably look extra weird when half melted.

I only use candles when the a storm knocks the power out. No way I’m using these. Thanks for the nightmares. I think I’ll sit in the dark instead.
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Ugly Christmas Sweater Cookies

ugly christmas sweater cookiesThese ugly Christmas sweater cookies seem to be sold out right now, but if you ask the seller they might make you some. I don’t think they’re ugly. They look delicious. I think I have some of those exact ones.

Hopefully they don’t taste like my sweater. Booze and regret mixed with a bunch of meh and a touch of bah humbug. Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m just bummed I can’t eat all of these sugary sweaters. Also bummed that when I add water to my current sweater and wring her out, no more booze. I guess it’s back to the store for me.

Gator Veil: Worn On The Bayou, Lord, Lord

gator veilDamn! I had no idea that the next Mad Max was being filmed in the swamp. Calling it now! Gatordome! Two gators enter, one gator leaves. And there’s a tailgater outside. Seriously that’s a croc.

I’ll tell ya what’s not a croc. This veil. This Gator veil can be worn to swampland funerals and Bayou barbecues, but don’t wear it to Louisiana lunches, cause Louisiana lunches only have one thing they’re serving up. That’d be you gator-bait!

Later alligators, after while Tetris tile.
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Bird Footed Vodka Shot Glasses

bird feet shot glassesBartender! I’ll have a shot of Vodka, but only if you can serve it on top of a chicken foot with strange magical symbols on it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the hell away from whoever made these shot glasses out of their feet. That’s why. Seems pretty obvious to me now.

Here are a set of 6 bird footed shot glasses. I wouldn’t recommend tracing those symbols with your finger. They seem all magical and dangerous. They come from Russia with love.

In mother Russia, you are not truly drunk until table filled with feet of bird!