Tag: etsy

Predator Paintball Mask: Get To Da Choppa!

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Predator Paintball MaskThis custom Predator Paintball mask immediately makes you the target if you play in my paintball games. Don’t get all creative and start making Predator noises either because someone will take you down. So what? You can cloak and become invisible. I’m just gonna put mud all over myself and arm a nuke so you can’t see me. How ya like me now? We Earthlings bite back! No easy prey here!

Just gonna lay in the mud and wait. Then when he’s close and almost walking over me, I’m gonna rise up and go all Sherwin-Williams on his preda-testicles. How you like that? You like getting a crotch full of paint?

*gets huge knife out as the dude takes the mask off* Hey man, wtf!!! It’s me! Your buddy!

Oh thank God you’re here. You aren’t going to believe this, but there was just a- Where did that Predator go?

*Other buddy walks up* You know not to confuse him. He still thinks Superman and Clark Kent are two different people!

I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I have a Predator to kill. *Shakes head as I walk away* Only my idiot friends would think that Supes and Clark are the same guy. Anyway, looks like I’m on my own in this fight. Where are you, you ugly Spider-Faced freak? Show yourself!
Read more “Predator Paintball Mask: Get To Da Choppa!”

Needle Felted Grumpy Goblin

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Grumpy GoblinThis cute and grumpy $80 needle felted goblin is inspired by Brian Froud’s goblin drawings. You know, the conceptual designer behind classic movies like Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal.

Why so serious Grumpy Goblin? Probably because you are so easy to kill in RPGs. Even if you roll a 1, a critical fail, you can basically trip over your sword and still slash goblins to pieces. Ha ha. You suck. Any relation to grumpy cat? You guys probably attend the same grump-anger management meetings. Nothing? Not even gonna talk? Ahhh. You’re so cute! Who’s the cute one? Who’s the cute grumpy gus? Who’s the-

NO!

*Launches himself at my throat and tears in like a grumpy little weed whacker.*
Read more “Needle Felted Grumpy Goblin”

Pet Zombie Plant Garden Starter Kit

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

pet zombie garden kitI always wanted to grow my own zombie. Now I can thanks to this Pet Zombie Plant Garden Starter Kit. I can’t wait to grow him real big and cut off his head! Why else ya gonna grow a zombie? It’s all about practice for the zombie apocalypse.

Growing a zombie has gotta work out better than that time I bought that Batman figure that was supposed to grow six times it’s size. I took it out of the package and waited. Nothing. DID NOT grow. Just stood there being a weenie sized Batman. So I got pissed off and flushed it down the toilet.

Big mistake. Two hours later I hear this gurgling and groaning sound like two epic foes are fighting deep inside the pipes. Next thing you know the toilet explodes and Batman bursts out, all intertwined with Clayface as they battle.

Long story short, that was poo, not Clayface. And I really should read instructions. *Facepalm* He grows in Water! That’s how I acquired my limited edition poo armored Batman figure with authentic Gotham sewer scent.
Read more “Pet Zombie Plant Garden Starter Kit”

Light Up Cowgirl Boots

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

light up cowgirl bootsThese light up cowgirl boots are perfect for a ho ho hoedown. Do you love the night life? Love to boogie? You will be the star of the show with these light up cowgirl boots. If anything happens to Rudolph this Christmas you can guide Santa’s sleigh.

Now I don’t want to look on my roof on Christmas night and see these boots up in the air with Santa’s bare ass between them. I knew I heard grunting, but it wasn’t the reindeer. WTF? You have packages to deliver. Thanks for ruining Christmas you dirty old perv.

Mom, is that you? Damn it mom, no I do not like your new boots that Santa got you! There’s another Christmas ruined!
Read more “Light Up Cowgirl Boots”

Finn And Jake Adventure Time Travel Neck Pillows

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

adventure time travel pillowsWant to look like animated characters are strangling you while you relax your neck and rest your head? These Adventure Time neck pillows will do the trick. It comes in Finn and Jake versions. Etsy seller ComfortbyFeliciaRose has all kinds of cool neck pillows for your travel enjoyment.

I would just wear them out on the town like how those snooty old ladies wear their fur. I am so gonna be rocking this style. They also protect your neck from Vampires like Marceline, so it’s all good. I would let her bite me, but I’m saving myself for Lumpy Space Princess.
Read more “Finn And Jake Adventure Time Travel Neck Pillows”