Tag: freaky

The Coffin Mirror

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Coffin Mirror
Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the deadest one of all? Wait. Maybe I don’t want to know. Yeah. Just forget that I asked. Anyway, whose idea was it to decorate this place like a funeral home? I mean, I know it’s dead around here, but geesh.

This Coffin Mirror really puts your mortality in your face. I heard that if you approach the coffin mirror and begin coughing, that probably means your time is just about up. You smash this thing, you’re not getting seven years bad luck, but an undertaker will start following you around. No thanks. I’ll stick with the mirror I have. Which is a good looking dude named Steve, who I met on Craigslist, and pay to stand on the other side of the wall.

Bird Brain Bird Skeleton Headdress

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bird brain
Check out this Bird Brain Bird Skeleton Headdress. It leans forward to whisper commands that the wearer will have no choice but to follow. You are completely at it’s mercy as it digs it’s bony talons into your brain, sinking in deeper everyday. Nagging at you from your cerebral cortex.

It’s a lot like being married. Damn. You just got burned wife! Zing! Oh snap! *Mocking with hands on hips.* No you dit’int! Oh yes I did!

And with that I have to go pack now. She reads the blog everyday and she’ll be home soon. And since I don’t have time to hide all of the knives and heavy pans, it’s easier to just leave.
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Huge Stuffed Crab

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Huge Stuffed Crab
Huge Stuffed Crab! Huge Stuffed Crab! What’s it stuffed with? I don’t know. Probably your hopes and dreams and kitten wishes, all riding on the fragrant wind of unicorn farts. This stuffed crab is huge! XXL at least.

I haven’t seen crabs this big since the STD clinic near Fukushima got hit with gamma radiation. Don’t make these crabs angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry. They get all crabby. Which is pretty much expected from a crab actually. They are grabby and crabby. They’ll pinch you and make you all scabby.
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(More) Evil Ronald McDonald Clown Mask

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Looks Like An Angry Ronald McDonald
Oh look, it’s the devil. No, it’s a clown. No, it’s Ronald Mcdonald. You are all correct kids! He has come to serve horse meat and kick ass and he’s all out of horse meat! Over 1 billion impaled, with that pointy beard alone.

I can’t even look at this Evil Ronald McDonald Mask any more. Thanks for the nightmares. You’ve given me an unhappy meal for life.

Frankenstein Spider Doll With Victims

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Frankenstein Spider Doll With Victims
What has 6 eyes, 6 arms and two legs, a bunch of stitches and dinner twitching all around it? The Frankenstein Spider Doll. I don’t know if she’s poisonous or not, but she has style.

Guys, I don’t want to scare you but I think I might have the whole Spider-Man thing going on. I was bit by a spider one time and I spent the whole day spinning web out of my butt and bouncing up and down on one strand.

“That was the day you were Peter Pan in the school play. You also had tacos! That janitor was 2 days away from retirement.”

Okay, how do you explain that I would grab a hunk of meat out of the fridge, use both hands to spin a saran wrap cocoon around it and then suck the blood dry?

“That was your ‘I’m afraid to touch meat’ phase, which coincided with your ‘I’m afraid to chew meat’ phase. Basically you are a neurotic and hypochondriac idiot!”

I don’t know what that means, but fine. You still can’t explain why my spider abdomen got so huge overnight.

“Because your spider abdomen is full of half priced booze and stuffed crust pizza. And by overnight, you must mean every night.”

How do you explain my presence on the world wide web then. Hah! I win!
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