Racing Grannies: My Granny Beats Your Granny Any Day

racing grannies
Is this how they race grannies nowadays. Puhlease! In my day all you had to do was have like 4 old people in a minivan, park, and say, “Hey, look, a Cracker Barrel!” Then just watch the magic happen. Of course the pit crew are the real heroes of any elder race. It takes a special group of men to tighten the screws on walkers, make sure they have only pennies in their coin purse and empty any colostomy bags, before helping them to down an entire can of Ensure and be on their way. Lastly, slap some dentures in that bad boy or girl from the top front and smack ’em on the bottom to get them going.

It’s much faster with these Racing Grannies toys. Plus you don’t have to listen to a bunch of stories you’ve heard a million times. And it doesn’t smell like last century either.

Nicolas Cage Meme iPhone Cases

nicolas cage i phone case
Your iPhone is a powerful device, even if they do keep “upgrading” it every year and giving you the bare minimum in new features for a sweet high price. See, that right there is why I use a flip phone. Well, your crazy expensive phone is about to get even more powerful. Unlock the power of Nicolas Cage and let him hug your phone with his dead unblinking eyes, like the Shakespearean acting sloth that he is. Your smartphone will never be the same.

Choose from Pepperoni Pizza face Cage, Mona Lisa Cage, Illuminati Cage, Our Lord Cage, Astronaut Cage and Renaissance Woman Cage. Get all the Nic Cages. You gotta catch ’em all!
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Adventure Time Pocket Plush Toys

adventure time plush
They had me at Adventure Time, but when they told me to grab a friend, I have to admit I came up with nothin’. So I grabbed my cat and we sat through the first 4 seasons. Man that show is whacked. Fist/Paw bump! Ow! Claw me to shreds much? It’s cool, homies take care of homies. Forever!

These Adventure Time Pocket Plush Toys are plush. They fit in your pocket. Basically it’s an excuse to wear a bunch of extra pockets so each can have a home on my body. Otherwise known as the land of Ewww! All of you plushes can shut your plush hole. I’ll put deodorant on when I’m good and ready!

The seller has all kinds of cute little plushes, but I ran out of pockets after my mom sewed the 9th one on my T-shirt. Now I look like the Hollywood Squares, plush edition. Shut up Lemongrab! The answer to every question is not “Unacceptable!”
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YouTube Photo Prop

youtube photo prop
Hot damn! This YouTube photo prop turns real life into a YouTube video. It’s also perfect for those folks who are still on dial-up. I’m looking at you Kentucky. Some folks will just never know the joy of a YouTube video.

I’m gonna use this to re-enact my favorite youtube videos in real life. Maybe make my cat put on a show. Stay in the frame Fluffy! Take two! I’m not feeling your grumpiness. Maybe if I take your wet food away for like a week you’ll be able to channel your inner grumpiness. Oh Jesus, can we get a cleanup here? Some of these divas think the whole world is their litterbox! We’re breaking for lunch. If I see any wet lunch anywhere on set, I’m throwing out laser toys and catnip!

Planetary Lollipops: I Call Uranus!

outer space lollipops
These Planetary Lollipops mix hard candy with hard science. Mostly not. Mostly it’s your mouth acting like a black hole as you lick and devour every planet into nothingness. Imagine what a gooey delight the Earth is going to be with all of the chewy nougat that is the sea life and people and animals. Yummy. And Uranus? I can only imagine how good that will taste. I- Haha. Walked right into that one.

Hey, you’re not allowed to laugh at me. Only I’m allowed to laugh at me. At least I didn’t say the molten core of Uranus tasted good running over my tongue. I was saving that for Saturn.

Anyway this is probably the only time it will ever be safe to eat Mercury and if you want to see Jupiter Ascending, watch it ascend into your mouth.