Tag: gag gift

Shave And Play Barbie Doll

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Shave And Play Barbie
Damn Barbie. You really let yourself go! Shave and Play Barbie is hairy as hell and ready for a trim! I thought this was a wolfman doll at first. Or a limited edition sasquatch Barbie. Or an Oregon hipster wife Barbie. Nope, just Barbie going all natural and letting that hair grow. And grow. And grow. It comes with a razor included to make her all silky smooth. She’s got a beard, neck hair, chest hair, leg hair, probably even some butt hair.

She did it Fur Ken. She wants to be fur-ever yours. Damn Barbie. You live in a Malibu beach house so I know you can afford a razor. Seriously, SHAVE and PLAY. In that order. Do not PLAY and SHAVE. This beast needs to be dealt with right now! Even Bigfoot be like, “What? Girl you crazy.”
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Creepy Clown Mug

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Creepy Clown Mug
This Creepy Clown Mug is not going to help with my Coulrophobia. That’s fear of clowns. I didn’t know what it was either until my doctor diagnosed it and prescribed me a bucket full of Quaaludes and anti-clown meds. At the pharmacy, they handed me a KFC sized bucket that looked like a race car cuz it was sponsored by so many drug companies.

Actually I fear anything in makeup. I’ve been known to freak out in stores when I accidentally wander into the makeup department. This clown is creepy as all hell. He looks like he has real teeth and I want to punch them. I’m not afraid of you. Do you hear me? You’re just a mug! Besides, you’re not the boss of me. I can be brave! No don’t set it on the table! *Runs out the door screaming.*
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Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser

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Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser
This Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser says that we have to wash our hands and say our prayers because Jesus is everywhere. True that. He’s especially in those big buildings with the stained glass and pointy tops. Oh yeah, they’re called churches. Well if Jesus wanted me to wash my hands, he wouldn’t have turned all of that water into wine. That means he wants me to wash my hands with wine. Which means that wine is great for washing my insides free of germs and sin. Which in turn, is why I drink from my dad’s wine bottles and then top them off with vinegar. Last night my dad got real drunk, but smelled all feminine fresh.

Anywho, Jesus is everywhere. Even on this blog, shaking his head, but laughing at my antics. Dude loves me. I can get away with anything. Except for that hooker and the trunk full of blow incident last year. Trust me, Moses and the burning bush reads a whole new way after God smites you with a mega STD with crabs piled on top.

Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes

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Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes
Leave notes on a pair of underwear. Let’s make this brief Underwear Notes. People pay attention to a note on a pair of tightie whities. Other notes? They just crumple up and throw them away. Although I think they should have some yellow stains and look a little crusty. Maybe have some fried chicken grease. You know, just for realism. Maybe that’s just me. Perfect for notes like: PICK UP SOME UNDERWEAR! or CRAPPED MYSELF: JUST FYI or WE NEED MILK, DON”T BE A WIENER! then draw a picture of a wiener escaping the undies cuz you’re totally grown up, but it has to be done.

People always ask me, boxers or briefs? And I say I prefer my boxers in briefs, otherwise both fighters are gonna have two dangling arms hitting each other below the belt. I don’t really wanna see that. It’s already too much man on man action for me.

See How You Measure Up With Measuring Tape Toilet Paper

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See How You Measure Up With Measuring Tape Toilet Paper
Measuring Tape Toilet Paper is a great way to gauge how well your pooper is workin’. Are you wiping a two inch streak or a ten inch streak. Find out with this handy dandy toilet paper. It’s great for boredom while pooping too. You can measure body parts, the nearby window, your schmeckel, whatever. Then when you are all pooped out, wipe yourself and measure your skid mark if you want. I ain’t gonna stop ya.

It’s easy to get a long skid mark if your colon can’t put on the brakes and pinch that loaf clean. Yay! I win! Anyway you’re supposed to measure twice and poop once. Thrice on taco night.