Tag: monster

Monster Beer Steins For A Monster Thirst

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Monster Beer Steins
These Monster Beer Steins from KachaktanoMugs will quench your thirst. For beer and for monsters. Quench your thirst. That’s a weird saying. It makes it sound like you are gonna strangle your thirst. Take that thirst! *Chokes self as I writhe around on the floor.* Yeah, I’m still thirsty. Also lightheaded and seeing pretty colored stars.

*Acts all nerdy and superior.* Yeah, well, you didn’t get all of the monsters… I don’t see Beer-ous Karloff. What about Herman “Heineken” Munster? What about the Creature From The Pabst Blue Ribbon Lagoon? *Quells nerd rage!* Gotta control my anger. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Mostly cuz I get all whiny and stuff.
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Hypno And Slutzo The Clowns

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Hypno And Slutzo The Creepy Clowns
Check out Hypno and Slutzo. Sounds like a demented Vegas Clown act. Step right up ladies and germs. Hypno will control your mind and Slutzo will do unspeakable things to you. You’ll laugh, you’ll scream. You’ll cry your eyes out and wish to pluck them from your skull.

Hypno is 7 feet tall and creepy as f**k. He holds some kind of hypnotizing wand that flashes crazy colors as he talks about how he loves children. Don’t believe me? Check out the video below. Slutzo is self explanatory. Both are scary and evil as hell. You can’t unsee them.
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Cthulhu Tentacle Tub Drain Stopper

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cthulhu tub drain stopper
In this episode of Bathing With Cthulhu….Man, this Cthulhu Tentacle Tub Drain Stopper is reaching through your drain and will stop at nothing until it is grabbing and strangling your man-junk full throttle and pulling your ripped off manhood down into the underworld. Why? Don’t ask me. I have no idea what goes through the minds of ancient evil entities.

I just know it wants your junk and it will get it. Apparently greenish bathwater helps attract it. Peeing in the water might help. So yeah, I’m probably safe. It’s the first thing I do when I have a bath. Hey, it’s relaxing. You don’t want me to strain my bladder trying to hold it, do you?

Spider Baby Plush Toys

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Spider Baby Plush Toys
The spider babies are coming! The spider babies are coming! This is gonna require some king sized fly swatters! Like those huge wood spatulas they use for getting pizza out of the oven. Bring out your biggest boots and start stomping. These hairy-backed and baby-headed Spider Baby Plush Toys from scrumptiousdelight are pure nightmare fuel.

*Sees baby in a stroller all swaddled up in a blanket. baby head and top hat sticking out.* Awwww. Aren’t you a cute baby. Is that 8 ribs I see under your blanky-wanky? *Opens blanket. Sees eight legs.* SPIDER BABY! *Runs away screaming. Web hits me in the back. Spins me into a cocoon.*

*Wakes up an hour later on the sidewalk next to rows of other cocooned humans.* Spider baby? Me too. I hate spider babies!
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Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box

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Monster Storage Boxes
This Troll-Topped Monster Storage Box is pretty awesome. In D and D, when you find a special box like this in the dungeon, you know it contains a magical item or two. Maybe even some magical fruit that doesn’t make you toot. My campaigns usually go something like this:

My DM: You see a large chest with a troll head on it. What do you do?

Me: I look from the chest to the woman’s face and ask her where she got such a lovely troll tattoo.

DM: Seriously?

Me: Yeah. It’s quality work.

DM: Do something else.

Me: I wet my thumb and rub the chest, seeing if the troll comes off.

DM: Roll a Dex check. You fail automatically. The chest eats you.

Me: So I’m inside the chest? Can I motorboat?

DM: We’re done here.
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