Tag: novelty

Cthulhu Sasquatch Shadow Box Sculpture

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Cthulhu Sasquatch Shadow Box
This Cthulhu Sasquatch Shadow Box Sculpture looks like a photo captured of the beast in the wild. Is it more Cthulhu or more Sasquatch. I have no idea. Is it live or is it Memorex? Frankly, I can’t believe it’s not butter.

This thing looks like Chewbacca and Emperor Palpatine’s love child. I think his squatting in that grass is about more than just posing for the camera. I think he might be taking a huge steaming squatch. But I’m not Cthulhu/Bigfoot expert. I just think I see some of that foliage dying.

Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles

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Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles
This Cthulhu Ski Mask is awesome. Yet terrifying. It’s the best way ever to keep all of your tentacles warm in the winter. You probably shouldn’t wear this when you rob a store, but I know you will. You scamps.

Can you describe the man that robbed you?

Well, he was about this tall, had some horns, had a bunch of tentacles and looked like an ancient evil that has just awakened. That should narrow it down.

Laugh if you want, but Cthulhu will tell ya, your tentacles get pretty cold in the winter months. They have been known to snap off like icicles in extreme temperatures.

Scary Skeleton And Skull Ring

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Scary Skeleton And Skull Ring
Ahh look at the cute little Scary Skeleton And Skull Ring clinging to the finger. He’s all like, “You are my human. Mine. Never gonna give up this finger.” Crazy, creepy, cool. Wait, what? What do ya mean it looks like he’s dry-humping? Nah, he wouldn’t do that. Shut your mouth! Call it Skully and it will call you Mulder. You can both solve X-Files together and have all kinds of conspiracy fueled adventures. You can be the true believer and Skully will be the skeptic.

I like it because when you give someone the finger, it means so much more when you have a skeleton ring along for the ride. I’d be flipping people off and Skully would be on my finger, all like, “Yeah, I endorse this.”
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Mannequin Soap: Now That’s Body Wash

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Mannequin Soap
Mannequin Soap. Touch that body. Work that body. Lather up that body. I like to use it until the booby mounds wear down, thereby changing the gender of the mannequin. I’ll have 200 please! Gonna put them all over my bathroom so people think I’m a serial killer.

“Where are the bodies you sick son of a-”

*Shrugs* All over my bathroom. You’ve seen ’em.”

“You wise-ass! Where did you dump them? I’m gonna see that you rot. Gonna make sure you get the death sentence.”

“Whoa! Hang on a second! For washing my hands with tiny mannequins? Good thing you guy’s didn’t see my wall of newspaper clippings and string flowcharts illustrating the takeover of our government by reptoid aliens who killed JFK and make crop circles for fun. Uh-oh… My right to be silent isn’t working. Obviously. Look, I’m just weird. I like weird soaps. Not the daytime variety though. Speaking of, shouldn’t a soap opera be lots of bubbles and a fat lady singing? See why the world is confusing for me? Are we done? It’s almost my nappy time.”

Women’s Meat Printed Socks

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Women's Meat Printed Socks
These Women’s Meat Printed Socks let you put some tenderloin on your tootsies. Some pork on your little piggies. Some bacon on your bunyons. You get the point. What could be better than meat on your feet? Not a damn thing. And now that they make socks that look like meat, I will no longer have to slip my feet into those choice cuts from the meat department. Hey, it gets cold during the winter. My floors are a bacterial nightmare. Look at how nicely marbled these are. You tenderize ’em in the washer and dryer.

Meat. It’s what’s for dinner. Also, it’s what’s for laundry. I’m gonna wear these to my local meat-up. It’s pork week. Like shark week only we’re the predators.