Tag: novelty

Victorian Eye Rings

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Victorian Eye Rings
Victorian Eye Rings. No, not rings for your eye. I don’t even know how that would work. No, I mean rings that are eyes. These are super awesome too because you can be all like, “Give me a knuckle sandwich will ya? I’m gonna give you 5 eyes to the face sucka!” Cuz I would have one on each finger. I’d run my tongue across all of them before I punched the dude too, cuz you have to lay on the creepy and psych him out.

Hey, what’s with that third eye in the pic? Is it okay? Looks like it has glaucoma. Looks like we have a Third Eye Blind concert. You walked right into that one. Not really, I kinda put you on a conveyor belt and waited patiently. Who says we can’t all see eye to eye? Put on your eye rings and give me a fist bump.

Cthulhu And Other Leather Bound Journals

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Cthulhu And Other Leather Bound Journals
MetalSomeArt sells some awesome leather bound journals. Heh. Leather bound. Sounds kinky. 50 Shades of Paper. Get it? Anyway, they have many cool journals to choose from. Cthulhu, Tarot Cards, all kinds of cool stuff. They have awesome brass plates in front. That’s what makes ’em look so fancy. So shiny. I’m gonna get one so I can write down my deepest innermost thoughts.

*Opens journal. Starts to write.* Hmmm. Nothing’s coming to me. Damn writer’s block. I hate that. Why you blockin’ me bro? What do you have against writers and why are you invisible? Silence huh? Well, nobody blocks me you blockhead. I’ll just journal about you.

Dear Diary. Today writer’s block tried to block me from your crisp white pages. But I don’t let bullies win. He’s a poopy pants which is why this entry sounds like a 2 year old rather than being in my usual 4 year old style. I hate that guy. Always blocking. Always lurking. P.S. I like your brass plate on your cover. So shiny and pretty. I like to touch it. Will you be my girlfriend? K bye.
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C-3PO Star Wars Bra: The Bust Awakens

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C-3PO Star Wars Bra The Bust Awakens
Ummm. No. Not interested in anyone wearing this. And I’m as nerdy as they come, collecting my star wars vehicles. Nerdy as a box of Nerds candy and twice as sweet, but no way. Just no. Cuz any woman wearing this is a man baby! How do I know? They call 3PO Goldenrod in the movies for a reason. Well maybe I might be interested. You would have to call me R2 and let me access your data with my robot interface stick. I can roleplay with the best of them. Especially when all I’m saying is beep bloop bippity bleep.

You would say stuff like. “Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating a C-3PO bra and actually getting it off is approximately 3,720 to 1.” Then I’ll say, “Never tell me the odds.” Of course I’ll get it off and then my erectile dysfunction would kick in and you would say, “The chances of satisfaction are 725 to 1. Actually Artoo has been known to make mistakes… from time to time… Oh dear…”

Nah. Too much work. I can just sit here and blog feeling defeated without all that hocus pocus. Droid boobs are overrated and I’m not buying anything second hand from a Jawa. Are those C cups? Makes sense C-3PO=C cups.

Skull Full Of Souls Box

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Skull Full Of Souls Box
This Skull Full Of Souls Box is a great place to keep all of your trinkets, candy,dice, whatever. Tormented souls are all over thing thing. Kinda like this blog. *Rim shot* Nah. I love ya all even if you do have problems. And I’m saying that wearing a sequinned dress made out of meat as I kick back glass after glass of whiskey.

Don’t judge. Not my fault I Quantum Leap all over the place. Once I set stuff right, I’m outta here. Today was “Try a sequinned dress made out of meat” day. Still haven’t leaped. Running out of ideas. F Lady Gaga anyway. *Falls and breaks neck.*

*Blue light everywhere. Leaping! I’m leaping!*

Oh THATS what needed to be set right!
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See How You Measure Up With Measuring Tape Toilet Paper

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See How You Measure Up With Measuring Tape Toilet Paper
Measuring Tape Toilet Paper is a great way to gauge how well your pooper is workin’. Are you wiping a two inch streak or a ten inch streak. Find out with this handy dandy toilet paper. It’s great for boredom while pooping too. You can measure body parts, the nearby window, your schmeckel, whatever. Then when you are all pooped out, wipe yourself and measure your skid mark if you want. I ain’t gonna stop ya.

It’s easy to get a long skid mark if your colon can’t put on the brakes and pinch that loaf clean. Yay! I win! Anyway you’re supposed to measure twice and poop once. Thrice on taco night.