Tag: novelty

Baby Head Candles: Burn Baby Burn!

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Baby Head Candles Burn Baby Burn!
Burn baby burn! Dissscccooo infernoooooo! Burn the mother down! Who says to themselves, “You know I need some candle light. Just to set the mood and chill. You know what would be good? If I could burn a candle that looked like an innocent and gentle baby’s head.”

I have no idea who says that, but these Baby Head Candles are scented too. Hopefully with scents other than “I just pooped my pants” and “I’ve been sitting in pee for an hour”. I’d use these. A baby with fire coming out of it’s head? Sign me up. That’s one hardcore and badass baby. I think it just needs a full wax body and a guitar!

Alien Stonehenge Saturn Conspiracy Theory Painting

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Alien Stonehenge Saturn Conspiracy Theory Painting
Put on your tin foil hat and stare at this Alien Stonehenge Saturn Conspiracy Theory Painting. What do you see? I see one of those lizard dudes who secretly run our world. He’s wondering if he should go to Saturn or Stonehenge, so he thinks about a poem he heard while he was a hatchling.

Saturn girls will make you hurl.
But give them a ring and they’ll wed ya.

The girls of Venus have five kinds of penis.
And they only want to behead ya.

Earth girls? They’re alright.

Then he gets in his UFO and travels to Stonehenge cuz it is an interdimensional drive thru. He just wants a burger.

Octo Glow Lamp

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Octo Glow Lamp
Oh look an Octo Glow Lamp that looks like a relic you can worship. *Kneeling before my 8 tentacled new master.* What is thy bidding my master? *Head lights up as it communicates with my mind and puts me in a trance.* Yesssss. But of course. *Returns a few minutes later with a brown M and M. Places it before him.* My offering my master.

Yessss. Of course I will buy bacon and beer in celebration of your greatness. Was gonna do that anyway. I think you and I will get along great. *Pets it’s glowing head.*

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

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Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float
This Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float reminds me of when I used to live in that place with the huge cockroaches and the backyard pool. I would turn the lights out, let them creep out in the dark and stomp all over these nasty buggers, then go to bed. In the morning I’d go out back to see the mice using their dead bodies for surf boards in the pool.

Okay fine. That place was this place. In the winter it’s the same deal, except they use the dead insect bodies as sleighs. *Doing my best Scarface voice* “F**king Cock-a-roach!”

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Playmobil Haunted Halloween Victorian Mansion

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Playmobil Haunted Halloween Victorian Mansion
I don’t know about you, but every Halloween I like to get the old Playmobil Haunted Halloween Victorian Mansion out and have a spooky time. Then I tell ghost stories to myself until I get so scared I have to turn every light in the house on. *Checks mail* An electric bill of $550 this month? Not bad. Not bad at all.

Cheaper than last month when I watched all those X-Files episodes. Of course that wasn’t just the lights being left on. You have to factor in for all that extra laundry in the washer from wetting the bed. Honestly, someone should just call Adult Protective Services and take me away from myself.
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