Gravity is a Biatch! Sometimes you need a little help. Like from this Hooter Hoister Power Lift Bra. It helps hoist your hooters just like the package says.
Say, I wonder if they make this for pizza/beer gut. Right now I’m using a sophisticated pulley system with suspenders. Let me know if any of you guys have any solutions. Besides the obvious, which is “stop being a fat ____!” I already heard that one. Many times.
Make your own T-Rex Paper Mask and look all scary. You’ll have to provide your own stubby little arms.
Speaking of stubby little arms, T-Rex dinosaurs are terrible boxers. No reach. The whole match is like one long violent hug that never quite connects. Which explains why Universal never bought my script “Jurassic Punch”. That was a pretty big plot-hole. You live, you learn.
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Huge Stuffed Crab! Huge Stuffed Crab! What’s it stuffed with? I don’t know. Probably your hopes and dreams and kitten wishes, all riding on the fragrant wind of unicorn farts. This stuffed crab is huge! XXL at least.
I haven’t seen crabs this big since the STD clinic near Fukushima got hit with gamma radiation. Don’t make these crabs angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry. They get all crabby. Which is pretty much expected from a crab actually. They are grabby and crabby. They’ll pinch you and make you all scabby.
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Get off my lawn you hoodlum! NOW I know what that crazy old guy was talking about? He was afraid I would wrap my head in it’s own sleeping bag and nap on his lawn. The jokes on him. After I left, I doubled back and slept on his porch while he was watching Matlock. No reason really. It was tiring eating that Big Mac and large fries.
Why did you walk to McDonalds?
I didn’t. Dude’s house was a rest stop between me and the car. I get winded after like 30 feet. I’m bringing this thing with me next time so my face stays all toasty.
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Live it up with this Leather Coffin Journal. Well, maybe not live it up. Maybe dwell on our impending deaths as we shuffle off this immortal coil. Wow, that even depressed me. Also impressed me cuz it sounded cool. Probably sounded cool as hell to everyone who didn’t see me choke on that lemon starburst and throw myself against the chair to give my self the old Heimlich maneuver.
Anywho, how do you put a bunch of dead bodies in one coffin? This journal is how. It is perfect for drawing a corpse on every page. That way you have a flip book of dead bodies all sharing one coffin. Maybe make it so it decomposes by the end.
Therefore perfect for undertakers and such. If anyone else does it it’s just weird. Yeah, I know it was my idea. Everyone knows I’m weird.
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